Keep your head up

Today is one of those days where I have to work a little harder at being grateful to have the experience of chronic illness. It was a headache day, a stomach pain day, a crampy muscle day, etc. It felt discouraging because it was one of those times where I was just like.. how is this my life? This is what it comes to..

But it was alright. Because I was still able to work on VBS stuff, I'm not in trouble for missing work somewhere since I have a job that is ideal for me, I was able to eat and Kelsey provided a lovely supper for me, my doggie likes to cuddle me when I am sad, etc. etc. etc.

The blessings far outweigh the problems. My character is being refined each day. My faith is put through fire and is being proven true. Eternal rewards! These things are so much better than the temporary pains I am experiencing now. I just have to keep this "kingdom" perspective day to day.

Yes, I am praying that tomorrow is better than today.
But more than that, I am praying my attitude is better tomorrow.

If you have time, I suggest you read this blogpost from Life In Slow Motion: https://lifeinslowmotionblog.wordpress.com/2015/02/16/escaping-the-guilt-and-shame-of-chronic-pain/
I read it today, and parts of it made me evaluate if there are subconscious parts of me that feel unworthy, guilty, and shameful. I think there probably are. I don't want to be a fake kind of positive, and I don't want to be a negative kind of realistic... It's such a balance. I feel like that all the time. Chronic illness is finding a balance of so many things. It's mental management of details, keeping yourself in check, and trying not to lie to yourself. It is hard not to feel like I am a bother to people or that my illness annoys people. Everyone in my life also walks a fine line of balance in how they act towards me, how they feel about it, etc. Chronic illness is just hard, isn't it?

Chilled out Sundays

This day was not as horrible as it could have been. It was not as fun as I'd hoped. The morning went alright. Lesson was fine, kids did well. Didn't feel good during service so I left part ways through and went home and took some medicine. Being in a darker room helped, too. I was alone for a few hours, as I often am. I've realized that I'm not very good at being alone. It is just not me. I so prefer being with other people, even if we aren't really doing anything. Being by myself has taken some getting used to, and I'm still not totally comfortable with it.

So anyhow, Dexter and I hung around and watched some blogs on YouTube. I meant to edit a new video but I was just so exhausted. When Kels came home we finished season two of Vampire Diaries, got supper, and started a movie. Someday we'll get to all of the other items that were on out staycation wish list.

I miss my family right now. I think being away for the holiday or something jogged a homesick feel.

Thirty-six joyful hours

I am still awake. And I am so annoyed about this. I have been awake for over 36 hours at this point. I had maybe a half hour of dosing throughout that span of time. Not what I was planning on or hoping for. But I am sure that there is good in this somewhere. Because I am determined to respond to this well, to work on my character throughout, and to let God be God.... So awake I am until He has me fall asleep. Meanwhile, I just pray that is soon enough so I function in a holy and pleasing manner tomorrow. And make sense when I teach the kiddos.

Hit some photos from my all nighter last evening...

^5.44 am // beautiful skies awakening

Breathe

My sleep schedule is legit whackadoodle these days. I'm trying to just get all the thoughts out of my head so I thought a blog could be in order since I forgot to earlier before I got in bed.

This day was alright. I can't say much more about it. Improvements are slight in the physical condition, but I'm celebrating any victory no matter how small. Tomorrow I'm hoping to be up to functioning from the office instead of functioning from my couch. We shall see. I have to go to lunch with both pastors and Kels for membership lessons. So that is going to be interesting. And probably difficult. I'm pretty rubbish before 1 pm this week. But I'm going to try.

So. Here's some more encouragement for myself:

dat hustle doe

Today was better than yesterday. And hopefully life will continue on this upward trend.

I planned Water Night and figured out our schedule or events. So that felt productive. And I did it all without even one cup of coffee and no pain meds.

Kels and I have decided that we are not going to go to Toronto/Niagara Falls on Thursday, but instead we are having a Wolfpack Staycation. (Wolfpack is what we call the three of us: Kels, B, and Dex.) We're going to be tourists in our own town, have some chill time to marathon some Vampire Diaries. I'm hoping to take some photos, drink some good coffee, and relax.

Tonight Kels had volleyball, and now  she is back, and we are watching the Bachelorette from last night. It's high drama as always. I'm thinking that ice cream is going to be in order soon.

Yes. Ice cream is definitely in order.

Inspiration of the day:
Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

Even when it hurts

The day didn't happen like I planned. As it often does. I guess my body just needed to let down from all the hustle of the past couple days. It had me stuck in bed exhausted and aching. My brain fog was way up so actually getting any planning done was pretty much out. So I will have to work twice as hard tomorrow...

For now, I'm just watching my video about choosing to be joyful over and listening to music that echoes the things I know are true. Such as:

Two for one

Two day blog in one, whoop whoop.

Saturday
I can't really remember much of Saturday morning. I think I made sure of some things planning wise?  and opened a closet for Dan at the church. Since we are recovering from the flood, we are trying to open everything and dry it all out. The closet wasn't touched, thank goodness, and I was so happy that the vast majority of art supplies were safe.
In the afternoon, we prepped things for Olivia's bachelorette party. Washed my hair with a new shampoo that I'm trying out that is CHI Keratin or something like that. I think it was really nice. I used it with a hair mask, heat protectant, and detangler and my hair dried really well under round brush/hair dryer. By five, we were headed for Grand Rapids. The party was nice. We had some fancy snacks, played a couple games, did presents, and then walked downtown to a bar that I think was called Stella's. There was a dj and dancing. A lot of loud and sweaty people... not really my cup of tea. We got back pretty late, but I fell to sleep quickly for once.

Sunday
I felt like I was rushing around this morning, but I really wasn't. It was odd having KidCentral not in the physical KidCentral... We met in the library, and it was very different. I enjoyed connecting with the kids in a different way, but I'm hoping we don't have to do it that way many more times. This has really put on hold a lot of the things I was going to be doing on my To Do list in the area. But anyhow, we had a good, albeit tiring, morning with a combination of eight different kids in the two hours.
Once I got home, I woke Kelsey up gently by putting on some coffee, and I did the dishes while she woke up. Then I made us some brunch and kind of fancied up our table just because. I like having a nice table brunch every once in awhile. :)

Kels was gone the rest of the afternoon, and now she's playing volleyball. I'm sort of lazing about with Dexter trying to lay low, but not so low that I fall asleep. Figuring out what food I might want over my birthday.
I also put live a video that I made about choosing joy amidst suffering. I made it a couple of days ago, but I've been a little timid about putting it up. Today I just thought, you know.. you made it for a reason. So here it is...

Waffle time!

Well, I slept until like 1:30. Which never happens for me. I'm seriously always up pretty crazy early for how little I sleep. But for some reason I slept really late, had a really realistic dream about family Christmas, and woke up really groggy. Kels and I then headed out for waffles as per our new tradition.

The rest of the day was seriously dedicated to getting bachelorette stuff for Olivia's party tomorrow. We shopped, Kels went to soccer, we shopped more, and assembled gift bags. Even though the day started late, it was quite long. And that's it. :)

There'll be days like this

Not a lot of sleep last night. I was working on something until maybe 1 and not feeling tired at all, but even after I finished and went upstairs sleep didn't happen for hours. And it was very interrupted when it did. My body just doesn't rest well, I guess. Probably needless to say, lack of sleep made for a particularly painful day. After Kels was home and we ran out for cheese and chips, I had a bit of a nasty stomach/gross feels attack. I ended up falling asleep on the couch while she cooked supper. When I woke up, my stomach felt better, but my arms and legs were so, so sore. I guess from the couch nap? I persevered, though, and even did alright in a dance off game. When we ended my feet and ankles were severely cramping. So I think we stopped just in time. I'm exhausted. Just being alive and being me can be so exhausting.

Sometimes I find random photos in my phone of things I wanted to remember at some point. Here's what I found today...

Classic red lip

Sometimes, you just have to do your makeup fun and have a little photoshoot by yourself. That's pretty much all I have to say about this day.

Landline

Today was a third as bad as yesterday. Making it two thirds better.
I honestly don't have much to say about it other than I accomplished some of what I wanted. Work, a load of laundry, played tennis...
For some reason, I can't quite shake the feeling that my week isn't starting out so well. Like. It's fine, but it's not a good one. I'm praying that feeling goes away, and my general vibe improves.

Anyhow, hit the pictures.

Air plant holders in my bedroom

Looks like Clarence is trying to run away from home...

Art, art, art