How To: Advent Labyrinth

Why a labyrinth?
First out, we chose to call our event an Advent Labyrinth knowing that it is traditionally called an Advent Garden or Winter Spiral. The idea came from seeing photos of a Winter Spiral festival from a Waldorf school on Instagram. If you are familiar with Waldorf ways, they may seem sort of hippie or too new age, but I dug deep and found that the spiral was originally used by Christians and the parts of it have a lot of important meanings. Thanks Google! (http://www.waldorflibrary.org/articles/1172-the-advent-garden)

I took all of my research to the discipleship pastor at our church because I wanted to make sure that everything we were going to do was in line with our church's beliefs. Some may not be comfortable with how similar it is to the Winter Spiral -- traditions that now honor nature and not specifically the Creator of nature. (https://www.clws.org/events/winter-spiral-and-the-meaning-of-advent/) The church was comfortable with the way our children's leadership presented the labyrinth so we moved ahead.

The labyrinth provides a unique opportunity to explain the Gospel to kids. (More on the specifics of that later.) Each physical piece of it has meaning and is purposefully placed in the spiral. We found the time to be extremely beautiful in its simplicity; it was contemplative, quiet, and felt important. Each child (and adult) has their own special moment when they walk the labyrinth -- at their own speed, in their own way. There are so many things you can draw from the event, but there was opportunity for everyone to experience the labyrinth how they would choose.

Event Prep
We held our labyrinth in the fellowship room of our church. It is not carpet (whoo fire!), and we had two 5 gallon buckets of water on standby. We also had a fire extinguisher. I laid out our labyrinth in a traditional spiral form. It was wide enough across so that a wheelchair or walker could easily navigate the turns. We used a combination of cheaper dollar store garland and faux evergreen garland the church already owned. This year, we will be purchasing extra boughs from a Christmas tree farm to add more realistic texture and smell. (Last year we burnt an evergreen candle to try to add the scent haha!) We added some faux sprigs of berries, pinecones, etc. We set up two rows of chairs around the spiral in a circle. On both sides of the path, we put gold and silver star cut outs. This is so the participants know where to put their candle when they leave the labyrinth. At the center of the spiral was a single larger candle, elevated so participants' candles could easily be lit from it. At the mouth of the spiral was a bowl of small candles waiting to be taken through the spiral.

We made the candles by using our candle-lighting candles and securing them in apples. This was actually fairly easy. Using an older style carrot peeler, we created a candle sized hole in the top and wedged the candle in. Using apples creates something for easy little hands to hold when carrying a lit candle, the candles do not topple easily when set on the floor, and they can symbolize the fruit we bear as we grow in faith. We had extra candles made up just in case we ran out or something and kept them back so as to keep the spiral looking as simple as possible.

The rest of the room was already decorated for Christmas. We kept the lights low -- we lit a couple of Christmas trees and maybe a few other white fairy lights, but it was dim. The goal is light enough to see where you are going, but dark enough so you get the story.

Just a taste of the symbolism...
Evergreen boughs - The Garden / The World
Apples - The Fruit of the Spirit
Light - Salvation / Christ's love
Center Candle - God / Christ
Spiral design - Our journey through life
Carrying a candle through the dark labyrinth - navigating the world without Christ
Carrying a lit candle through the dark labyrinth - carrying Christ in our heart through life
Stars - Encounters with others in our lives

The Labyrinth
We began the event with a reception in the church's narthex -- cookies, wassail, spiced cider, hot cocoa, etc. Everyone had about 10-15 minutes to socialize, and then I was able to gather everyone's attention and lead them into the labyrinth space quietly. The labyrinth was dark as we entered except for the center candle. Everyone got a seat, and I explained the story of the labyrinth. In the beginning, God created a beautiful garden and created man. Man sinned and our holy God could not stand the sin, and man was cut off from the Creator. Then I blew out the candle and plunged the room into darkness. The world became a dark place because of sin. But God cared so much for us that he sent us Jesus. And Jesus restored our relationship with God and light came back into the world. I re-lit the candle. Then I explained that we can know Christ and have his light in our hearts. I showed them my candle. When Christ is Lord of our lives, we carry his light with us into that broken, dark world. And we can share it with those we meet. We leave can leave the light along our path. I put down the candle on the path.

I took a couple of minutes to explain the procedure for walking the labyrinth -- one at a time, pick up a candle on the way in, walk however you want, take as much time as you need, light the candle at the center, pick a star to leave your candle on, return to your seat. I suggested for adults to accompany the littlest participants and emphasized for everyone to be respectful of each other -- quiet and serious -- letting each person experience the spiral their own way. I told them once the labyrinth was completely lit, I would come back to end our time together. I had pre-arranged for one of the children to be the first person through the labyrinth and had gone over with them exactly what to do. They had arrived early and walked it out with me so they wouldn't be nervous. I told everyone that she would be first and to watch her if you still weren't sure what to do.

We arranged for a violinist and pianist to play some lesser known Christmas carols quietly in the background. (Here's a playlist of some songs we included) It took maybe 45 minutes for about 30 people to walk the labyrinth. A few people went multiple times. Once everyone had their turn, I walked the labyrinth one last time. At the very center, I said a few more words about the light of Christ and we prayed together. Everyone was asked to leave the space in silence. If they wanted to stay and meditate or pray, they were welcome to. The instrumentalists played for another 20 minutes. Many people did not want to leave. The glow of the candles was mesmerizing. Eventually, the candles had burned down so much that I thought it was getting a bit dangerous so I called it, turned the lights back on, and everyone reluctantly left. Christmas began for us that night.

Other Thoughts
This year, we are planning on doing 3 waves of the labyrinth scheduled for 5:30, 6:30, and 7:30. It was so popularly requested, and our children's department has increased by 50 children, we absolutely need extra time. I would say that I think 30 people is about the largest group that should go through at a time. Our spiral was pretty large, but it is nice to keep the space cozy and intimate. There was such a quiet joy that reigned over the labyrinth, and I can see it not having quite the same feeling if it were really huge, and if you had to wait a really long time to have your turn. 40 minutes is a long time for littles to wait as is!

I hope that explains the labyrinth. If you have any more specific questions feel free to find me on facebook or email me at britany@centralfreemethodist.org

And now, the part you have all been waiting for, photos!

 

Christmas begins now

On Friday night, we had the Advent Labyrinth at church. Leading up to the fact, I think I had a flu bug. I was feeling awful, and I wasn't sure if I would even make it through setup. But I did. And the event. Although setup was awful, my brain was working about as well as the scarecrow's, and I felt like I had eaten bad eggs... the Labyrinth was beautiful. It was exactly everything I had hoped and prayed it would be when I envisioned it months ago. The soft candlelight, the carols played on violin and piano... A hush falling over the crowd of around thirty people of varied ages all mesmerized by the glow. So peaceful. For a taste... Just put on this music and look at these photos.

In the Bleak Midwinter

   

^Enjoying a cup of coffee Saturday morning after a successful event the night before

shadows & light

Well, all in all, today felt very successful. I was able to teach Sunday School and stayed through all of church. I was so exhausted, and barely heard the message, but I made it. And when I got home (in an effort not to fall asleep) I made myself spaghetti for lunch, watched a movie, talked to Grandma, played some games, made bread, and did pretty much anything else to keep my eyes open. It was a battle, but I won. Here's a couple of photos from the beautiful afternoon. Hoping for a great day tomorrow, too!

kung fu par-tay

Just wanted to show off a couple of photos from our Kung Fu Panda movie night last night. The kids seemed to really enjoy the candy bar and were pretty much glued to the movie. I think they felt special and had fun being at my house.

Today was a pretty good day. It took me a little bit to get going. I can definitely feel the past couple of days in my muscles, but I got everything put away and our house all cleaned up. I also did a very grown up thing and applied for a credit card. So yeah. Basically a productive Saturday. Tomorrow will come early (praying I sleep!) so I better hit it now.

eight

Today I feel very accomplished. One meeting down for church leadership, three children's events put on the calendar, only one room left to clean in the house and a little bit of vacuuming, worship team practice, Dexter's nails cut, and a little energy to spare. I got my prescriptions ready to be filled tomorrow, and everything is ready to be taken to the second-hand store for donation.
Tonight I also talked to Oliver for awhile. Last week I called him and left a message apologizing for some unkind things I had said about him to our mutual friends and my resentful feelings toward him over the past few years. I wanted him to know that I am not angry, and I was wrong to treat him the way I did, no matter what perceived wrong he had done to me. He had texted me back that night and asked if it was okay if he called me this week so we could talk, and I agreed. I wasn't quite sure what this conversation would be like, but as soon as we got on the phone, he thanked me for leaving the message and apologizing, but said that he immediately wanted to call me back to say that he knew that a lot of my feelings were warranted because he knew he had behaved like a jerk. And then he, too, apologized. Which was like wow. Who would have thought that we would end up at the point where we would both be able to say, "I was wrong," and truly mean it? It meant a lot to me. But that conversation out of the way, we caught up on life, and it was just nice. I've always hoped that I would be able some day to look back on the last couple years of college and remember more of the good parts than the bad, and I think today's conversation was a huge step in that direction.
Well now I'm off to bed. It's a nostalgic sort of grey day that I always try to keep busy on. I think I succeeded in that today. Always...

lattes & planning

The big points of the day can be summed up as follows:

(1) The Gospel Project curriculum arrived in the late afternoon -- securing my plans for Wednesday as "curriculum planning."

(2) Olympic theme music played for hours as I worked to inspire myself while writing plans for VBS 2016. Something sort of themed maybe "Ready, set, go!" -or- "More than gold" -or- something else Olympic/athletic sounding.

(3) This Sunday I will be going to a local assisted living to help with a devotional type service. I'm giving a 25 minute devotional and playing piano. It's called "Moments of Devotion," and it's headed up by a lovely elderly man from our congregation named Loyal. Hopefully I'll be helping there more often than not coming up.

(4) My afternoon brain break was to try to make an at home latte. Lattes (just in case you aren't familiar) are a shot of espresso, steamed milk, about 8-10 oz, and can have foam on top (or not). Espresso is made by forcing steam through grounds, which I can't do at home since I don't have an espresso machine, but a close second is making as strong of coffee as possible in place of espresso. Which I did by making french pressed coffee. Which is its own thing... Anyhow, I do have a milk foamer. So I heated some unsweetened almond milk, foamed it a bit, and made a couple lattes for us. I'm hoping to get better at it, but honestly it was pretty good for my first try without the proper equipment.

Off to bed now. My sleep is a bit messed up from the migraine, but hoping I can kick it back into a routine again.

Lyme free

This day can only be described as containing the grandaddy whopper of all migraines. The kind where I have to sit with my head crooked to the side or I throw up a little. Not pleasant at all. But after more than 24 hours, it has finally calmed down and eased off giving me some relief. So as it is now nearly midnight, I am ready for work... ha. (But that is kind of how I feel. My brain is telling me to make up for all that I missed during the day that I was lights out.)

There are a lot of things that I really want to do with my life. I haven't really written them down all bucket list style (not sure I subscribe to that), but I have goals of things that would be really lovely to achieve. Simple things, even. Declutter my movie collection for one. Make a quilt. Develop all the photos I took for Photo I in college. I'm not sure why all of these things come flooding to mind once I hit migraine postdrome, but they have.

Today I also learned that I do not have Lyme disease. I'm not exactly sure how to feel about it. You would think that I would just feel relieved not to have it, but it kind of feels defeating. Because in a way it might have been simpler to have Lyme disease. But that is not what happened, so I can't dwell on that. I just get to keep living this life that is mine, lyme free.

Backtracking just a bit, on Friday after Kelsey was done with soccer a few people came over and watched When a Stranger Calls and had homemade pizza with us. I was having a really high pain day with my hands so Kels did a lot of the physical labor in making the pizza. We had Jeff, Andrea, Nate, and Katie (I think that was her name, but it was my first time meeting her). We didn't end up starting the movie until maybe 10, and it is kind of a jump-scare type movie. Not really scary to me, but it can be startling. Kels scares easily, so we were pretty amused watching her scream. The girls both ended up leaving early. Andrea was nervous and Katie was tired, but the guys stayed pretty late even after the movie ended, and we had a big discussion about personality type. I'm starting to really feel like I have a friend group. Which is so nice. It was fun to have people who I have inside jokes with and can laugh easily around.

On Saturday, Kels convinced me to go with her to a barbecue which became a hangout because of rain at a girl named Amy's house. We met a lot of other people there, and I knew a couple of them already which was nice. We played a few games like charades-type, catchphrase, etc. and then they wanted to go play ultimate frisbee so I went out to watch them. It started raining, and Amy and I went back inside. She also has chronic illness/fibromyalgia issues so we talked shop over mint tea. She had some good gluten free food advice for me, and I advised her about my excellent body pillow. Once everyone else came back in and dried off, they played another game, but my brain fog was rolling in real heavy so I just watched. It can be really exhausting to be around people and even more exhausting to be in a new place with new people so first impressions are just nearly impossible for me, but Amy added me on facebook and sent me a nice message yesterday, so I feel like I made another friend. Oh! And! Kelsey and I got invited to go with a group to Amy's family's cottage on Lake Louise at the end of September. So that's pretty exciting. I'm praying I feel well enough for that because... yes... friends!

PS: Victory. Bennet made it THE WHOLE WAY through Sunday school.

old joy

I've been staring at a blank screen for ten minutes. Not sure what exactly I want to write, but I do want to write. It was a long week last week. The internet at Dad and Mom's house frustrates me which made me want to do almost nothing on the internet besides what I needed to for my job. Besides that I was pretty much exhausted by 9:30 every night and ready for bed soon after. HISability is extremely rewarding and definitely my favourite week of the year, but it is so tiring in a normal case... and quadruply so in the year when I am diagnosed with chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. While I was at camp, the doctor called me to check in on my wheat elimination diet and general health and to tell me that I have an initial positive for Lyme disease. There is more testing that has to be done, and this doesn't mean I definitely have it, but it is a maybe. I don't know if that is a better or worse thing in my mind now. But whatever it is, it is a possibility as much as it was before. So it is okay.

Thought I would upload some pictures from when I was home and Courtney and I went on a rainy Sunday afternoon adventure...

Today saw me ordering the new curriculum for next quarter for KidCentral. We are going to try The Gospel Project and see if that works out to having more substance than the Group one we were using. I also was working on choosing an Advent theme and looking into a VBS for 2016. Trying to get ahead in planning. I'll probably work through tomorrow, too, since I took a break early on in the week. This evening, Kelsey and I met our friend Marisol at a laundromat to wash all her family's clothes, bedding, towels, etc. so that their house will be absolutely clean for her sister who will hopefully be coming home from the hospital soon. They are having the house professionally cleaned; we did at least 16 loads of laundry in about four hours. Wasn't too bad, and I was glad that we could help them out in some way.

Back

Okay, so long time no blog. I can't even try to summarize all the things that have happened since I last updated. Well, I could, but I think it would end up quite boring, and I would certainly be bored writing it.

Physically I am feeling better, generally. My new doctor has put fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue on my record as working diagnoses. I am massively Vitamin D deficient and so am taking 3000 IU a day plus another 50,000 IU weekly. I wasn't sure how VBS would effect me, but it's been a bit of a headache and a couple days laying low. I'm really hoping that tomorrow is back to usual speed. Last week, we played a little bit of volleyball just hitting it around, and I messed up my thumb somehow. That seems to be mostly healed apart from a bruise and hurting a little, but now not much more than is "normal" for my hands to hurt.

VBS went really well. A few kinks here and there, but those were even just tiny things... mostly slight miscommunication. The big things to come out of VBS that I will be working on are creating a better relationship with the International churches and figuring out our social media policy. I have a lot of fresh ideas for the coming year, as well, and I hope to have a basic 2016 calendar put together by the end of the week. Much excite.

This evening, if I am feeling well enough, I'm going to spend some time redecorating in the children's area. I have a lot of carnival type decor that is ready to go up, but I haven't felt up to it before now. If I run out of energy, I'll be working on writing an entry for a 30 day devotional for chronically ill people that my friend Beret is working to put together.

Either way, it's now time for another cup of coffee, some more good music, and I'm going to do a "brain dump." Put all of my big ideas on a paper so that I can remember them when I get the time to really invest in making them reality. Here's to hoping that I can pick up the blogging again!

Lemon pie & small victories

I was up this morning quite on time and happy because it was raining. I've always been a rain person; especially a summer rain. Summer rains make me feel more like it is autumn which we all know is my absolute favourite. So anyhow, I bounced out of bed, tidied the kitchen, and made coffee to go before we headed to the office for staff meeting. Work can mostly be summed up in this way: VBS. I'm all VBS at this point. I wake up thinking about it, and I go to bed thinking about it. But today, I had a huge milestone in my small steps toward a better life: I worked at the office for nearly the whole day. 10:30-4 with a 45 minute break for lunch. This is impressive, people. I didn't cook tonight, and I didn't keep working when I came home. I listened to music I like, played the piano, put on relaxing candles, and just generally took some time out. And I think maybe, just maybe, I'll be alright tomorrow. Milestone.

When Kelsey got back from beach volleyball, she was in desperate need of pie. So I packed her in the car, drove her to Kroger, and we got mini pies and some ice cream to cure everything. My mini pie was lemon. Delicious. I am excited, though, that soon there will be a bakery opening very near to us called Glazed and Confused. It's basically donuts upon donuts. But also lunch, salads, cakes, coffee, etc. I simply cannot wait. I hope it is as wonderful as it seems like it will be because I've been waiting for a place to be a "regular." Well anyhow, the theme of the day is rejoicing in the ability to make little strides toward a bigger goal...

Tiny steps

Small efforts

Little victories

ADD UP  

 

Summer is for fun

What a day. Today the supreme court ruled that states cannot deny same-sex couples the right to marry. It has been a whirlwind of Facebook statuses, twitter updates, instagram posts, and news broadcasts. My response to the ruling was I suppose rather veiled. I posted parts that stuck out to me from the blog post issued by the bishops of Free Methodist Church USA. You can read their post here because I did appreciate hearing the official stance of the denomination: FMCUSA post
There was a lot tucked into the post that I thought was really applicable to any person at any time.. not just this specific issue. Any who.

I didn't make it up at 8, but I did make it up in relatively good time considering that my sleep schedule is so whack. It's not a schedule at all... I just stay awake and awake. But. I think I got some good sleep, stretched when I woke, and got to work making sure all the details were set for Water Night. Kels was supposed to be back at 11:30ish, and we were going to get waffles, but that didn't happen. So for lunch I had a hot dog and some power greens (kale, spinach, mizuna, chard) with blue cheese dressing.

Kels and I ran to Biggby for our BOGO coffee, and then set up for the event. It was a little bit chilly, and I was worried because it was a tinge windy, but it settled down as the event started. Right at start time there was no one there. I said a little prayer... "God. We have this all set up. Send me a couple kiddos." AND I GOT SEVEN. I knew one of them. Six new friends for KidCentral!! They had a blast playing water balloon toss, water relay, water dodge ball, wet obstacle course, eating popsicles, and doing slip and slide human bowling. They learned a few facts about water quality and hunger and came up with ideas about how they can help kids who are hungry and thirsty. They were pretty stunned to learn that every 20 seconds a child dies because they don't have good water to drink.... Statistically about 5,000 children die each day from poor water, and 250 die from hunger or poverty. The kids were right on it. They were shocked that the return change from recycling a soda pop can feeds someone a meal. I hope it made an impact. I know they had fun. And they got me soaked! Happy child voices screamed "Get Miss Britany!!" And they did. And Kelsey.

My "fibromyalgia" body is feeling it. I did a lot of running, throwing, playing, laughing, moving, etc. I can literally feel how much fun we all had together. I'm happy now to try to put my insomniac self to bed, and hopefully surface well tomorrow!!

I lost myself in a canyon

Day one out of seven was not a success for the morning routine. I will try again tomorrow.
I did not sleep well at all. Maybe got 4-5 hours? from 4:30 on... Not my favorite kind of night. Hopefully tonight will be better. I was awakened by Kels and our friend from college, RaeLee. She stopped by and surprised us. So I tried to pull my achy self together. I hope I did an okay job. They were kind and brought lunch to me. I tried to get stuff done today. But it was hard.

I did go with Kels, and we got everything that I needed for Water Night. I think I have almost everything set at this point besides making a few notecards for the teaching part, setting up, and blowing up the bowling set. It's getting so close!! Nervous. We also got nails to hang up the decor that has been just sitting around our house. So here is one photo of that. More to come, I'm sure.

I don't have as thick of a skin as I like to portray to others. I'm feeling not like myself... a little down. Makes sense to me as the insomnia is back in the picture. This is how I used to feel more.

I uploaded a new video to my channel today. You can watch by clicking here: take a walk with me.

Two for one

Two day blog in one, whoop whoop.

Saturday
I can't really remember much of Saturday morning. I think I made sure of some things planning wise?  and opened a closet for Dan at the church. Since we are recovering from the flood, we are trying to open everything and dry it all out. The closet wasn't touched, thank goodness, and I was so happy that the vast majority of art supplies were safe.
In the afternoon, we prepped things for Olivia's bachelorette party. Washed my hair with a new shampoo that I'm trying out that is CHI Keratin or something like that. I think it was really nice. I used it with a hair mask, heat protectant, and detangler and my hair dried really well under round brush/hair dryer. By five, we were headed for Grand Rapids. The party was nice. We had some fancy snacks, played a couple games, did presents, and then walked downtown to a bar that I think was called Stella's. There was a dj and dancing. A lot of loud and sweaty people... not really my cup of tea. We got back pretty late, but I fell to sleep quickly for once.

Sunday
I felt like I was rushing around this morning, but I really wasn't. It was odd having KidCentral not in the physical KidCentral... We met in the library, and it was very different. I enjoyed connecting with the kids in a different way, but I'm hoping we don't have to do it that way many more times. This has really put on hold a lot of the things I was going to be doing on my To Do list in the area. But anyhow, we had a good, albeit tiring, morning with a combination of eight different kids in the two hours.
Once I got home, I woke Kelsey up gently by putting on some coffee, and I did the dishes while she woke up. Then I made us some brunch and kind of fancied up our table just because. I like having a nice table brunch every once in awhile. :)

Kels was gone the rest of the afternoon, and now she's playing volleyball. I'm sort of lazing about with Dexter trying to lay low, but not so low that I fall asleep. Figuring out what food I might want over my birthday.
I also put live a video that I made about choosing joy amidst suffering. I made it a couple of days ago, but I've been a little timid about putting it up. Today I just thought, you know.. you made it for a reason. So here it is...

How to be alone

Blogtrack: Paris by Fickle Friends

Haven't had a "blogtrack" in awhile, but this post was written with this song on replay. So it seems fitting to note that. Today has been restful. I only responded to emails and sent a couple texts in regards to work. But otherwise I have been on a Sabbath from work related things. I was going to do work today, but as I got thinking into it, I was like.. no. You need to take time to pause. These things can wait until tomorrow. I've been nose to the grindstone all week so it's time for a break.

Kelsey took me out to IHOP for brunch this morning so I had a lovely Belgian waffle. Pretty soon after that she had to leave for a soccer game, so I've been left on my own with Dexter for the day. I played a little piano, cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed, did some general straightening, laundry, and rearranged my room. Clean house makes for a happy Britany. I had leftover chicken enchilada for supper with some lemonade. Depending on how long this takes to write, I may make a lemon cake tonight. Mmm. Or wait and make it Sunday and take it to the office on Monday? Maybe that. We shall see.

Anyhow, on instagram, there is a challenge for this month called #selflove4spoonies. Each week has a topic and questions/challenges to focus on yourself in relation to your illness. The first week is about cultivating self-awareness and self-honesty. The challenge is to take time to ask yourself tough questions about where you are not being honest with yourself about health, relationships, career, finances, etc. I guess it's kind of a self-inventory. And I'm going to do that here.

On the topic of my health...
I like to be positive, but oftentimes that makes me unrealistic. I am more ill than I allow myself to acknowledge much of the time. I have some weeks that are awful, and some weeks that aren't. There is not rhyme or reason to this as far as I can see. But I know that I try to let myself continue to think I'm as well as ever even when I'm in the midst of a bad week. It's hard to describe how well or not well I am when it changes week to week and sometimes even moment to moment with no warning. At this point, I would say that I am functioning relatively well about 70% of the time. But I will also tell you that I originally wrote 60% and just upped it. Because I am positive. My normal is not others' normal. I am in constant pain now. I cannot remember the last time I was not in pain. But now that I am used to it, it is duller. It doesn't hurt so much. It is normal. I'm not sad about that anymore. I don't know if I'm on a trajectory toward getting "better." I'm not sure that there is a "better." Or that I will ever achieve it. But I am alright. I don't think I would call my life unmanageable at this point.

On the topic of my relationships...
This is one of the things I hate most about chronic illness. There is so much going on in my head about myself, I barely have time left to invest in other people. I feel like I have let my relationships slide a bit in the past 6 months. Moving away from many of my friends put a physical gap, and I helped the gap along by not actively pursuing much of a relationship with most of the people I left. I'm not sure if it is good or bad, but this doesn't entirely bother me. I think many of those relationships were 'for a time' type of friendships. The ones that are 'for life' will continue. And that is because those people invest in me as well even though I am far away.
My relationship with my family is different now than it was 6 months ago. I feel more adult in the way I interact with Mom and Dad. Although we are miles away, I've honestly never loved them as much as now or felt so close to them. I feel like I can share anything with them which I'm pretty sure most kids don't get to say about their parents. I miss having Courtney living near me so, so much. I know she is where she needs to be for this period of her life, but selfishly, I want my best friend with me. I feel lonely a lot of the time... circumstances make for that at this point. I'm sure that I am learning a lot from being in a quiet house on my own, but it is so different from what I prefer.
It is different to live one on one with your friend than you may think. I am learning a lot about communication and negotiation. There is a lot of balance when there are just two of you in a house. I think there has been a rapid maturing for me in the way I relate to people as well as just my emotional processing. I might be wrong, but I think I am looking at things in a more healthy way than I previously have.

On the topic of my career...
I'm a mixed bag about my job right now. I don't feel like I can say career at this point because I just don't know how far I intend to take this. I oscillate between feeling very excited and discouraged. There is a lot to process in ministry. Everyone has an opinion, and I'm just over here like, "Lord, use me, please!" I pray that this program grows. I don't think it's wrong to say that I want to be successful in this. I do want God's will for it, whatever that is... But He also knows exactly what my heart is about it. This will take time, I know, I'm just trying to be faithful and passionate about it as God works. If there is possibility of me being well enough for a second job, I will do that. If not, I will continue this way. If I get to be married and be a mom, then I will do that. If I get to stay single and pour into children through KidCentral, then I will do that. I will do what I can. This has always been my attitude, and God has always been faithful to me as I brighten my corner of the world this way.

On the topic of my finances...
Closely tied to my job. I made a budget, and I'm sticking to it pretty well. I have enough. I cannot complain at all. I felt like I took a big hit when I had to replace my computer, and that made me nervous for about two weeks, but then I felt better about it. It's just crazy how God provides. A year ago the church had no idea how they could pay me, and now I have enough each month to pay all my necessities plus to do a few nice things. I'm not worried. Sometimes I should probably care a bit more, but I'm smart, I pay attention, and I don't overspend. I'm a planner. It's what I do.

On the topic of who I am becoming...
The past winter was a difficult time for me. I felt a lot of burden and loss. For a time, I saw myself as some sort of victim. Eventually that evolved into seeing myself as someone chosen to shoulder illness. Not like I was trying to see myself these ways... it was a sort of subconscious thing. I suppose the winter was a sort of extreme growing point for my faith and just general maturity. Somehow, through it all, I ended out sort of realizing my privilege being who I am as a coheir with Christ. My identity is first rooted in being the beloved daughter of God and all other things fall under that... maybe even through that. When I look at my life through the lens of being loved... Just.. wow.

My life feels full of little losses and gains. Big losses, sometimes. But they are lovely. Lovely moments of grace. My chronic illness is beautiful to God. Because I am determined to allow it to bring me blessing and to bring blessings to those around me. In my weakness, in my illness, I'm determined I will bless God. The moments where I cannot walk... sacred. The times when I have to lay down for an hour after showering... holy. It's not a matter of God being blessed in spite of my malaise, He is blessed because of my illness. I can't really wrap my mind around that. But I know it is true. Because He allows it to continue in my life, He sees me praising Him for the good things it brings into my life, and He loves me in all those moments. If I'm His most beloved child and He allows this for me... how is it not a good and perfect thing that fits into His perfect plans?

So each morning, I will continue on... waking after restless sleep and saying...

Dear God, if I lose my hope today... bring me back to you...
Restore the sparkle to my eyes, come to me like rain... bring me back to you...
Bring me back to you.

The one where I don't sleep

Today was all about VBS. Well. First it was about not sleeping. And then it was about VBS. I didn't sleep until maybe 5:30 or 6 this morning. I ate cereal. I watched Chuck. I tossed. I turned. But eventually I did fall asleep.

Once I got up around noon, it was all aches, pains, and grogginess. I muddled through working out a general plan of VBS. But this day has definitely not been as productive as I would have liked. Or as happy. This is one of those days where I work really hard to choose to be joyful.

Well, when I finish this blog post, I'm going to go make cream cheese apple dip. Kelsey is out working with the garden group to finish planting, I guess, and I want to have it made before she gets back. My brain is just zonked out on kidmin stuff. So I'll probably only work on designing a couple more logos before I cal it quits today. Have to try to put in a good 6 hours today, at least. Sorry this was maybe the least exciting blog post, ha.

Sunday school groove

Today was all about that Sunday school. At this point I have completed, 1 set of logos, 1 promo video, and 2 months of general lesson planning. Tomorrow I will spend a day on VBS, and then back to Sunday school I will go.

Last night I completed my first workout with Jillian. Today I am so very sore, so I shall have to take a rest day to let my body adjust a bit to working out so big.

Dexter and I started off our day with a teensy cuddle, and then we got down to business. I made coffee. A new kind... Panera Columbian roast, I think. 

And we settled into the living room with a candle on to work. At some point in the afternoon, I took a break, and Kelsey and I moved my things into our shared office. Nice to have everything out of the home office and organized. After supper, we took Dexter on a walk and got Kelsey some ice cream. It was kind of one of the crazier walks we have taken around town involving a loud motorcycle, ducks, some elderly people on bikes, and a bro that Dex wanted to be friends with. Then, realizing the light was fading, we rushed home so we could film the last little bit of footage I needed for a promo video that resulted in me looking like this:

A nice day, full of nice things and good productivity. My kind of happy.

[Sunset on the Grand River]