Coffee and Jesus

So I have been thinking about this for a long while. Have you ever seen one of those t-shirts on Instagram that says something like "This girl runs on coffee and Jesus."? Or an Etsy-esque pallet board sign that says something akin to "All I need today is a little bit of coffee and a whole lot of Jesus." A personal favorite are the items that proclaim, "Coffee fuels me. Jesus keeps me going."

These items kind of bother me. I even own one a picture that is exactly like these. But I still feel weird about it.

Not too long ago I was at a conference for our denomination, and one of the points that was made by one of our bishops was to have someone who truly enjoys coffee make it for Sunday mornings at church. His thought was that coffee is a huge deal to people who are stopping by a church. So if we get one thing right on a Sunday morning, it better be the coffee.

This is so frustrating to me. Yes, make people feel welcome. Yes, provide things that create a good experience. But if the only thing we have going for us is a good cup of coffee, I'm doubting those visitors will be back. They can get a good, free cup of coffee at nearly any church it seems. And if they really, truly care about coffee, they're going to buy their own before the service, bring it with them, and try to sneak it into the sanctuary. (Yes, I see you doing that. Bring me one next time.)

Our culture seems obsessed with coffee. Christian culture can seem obsessed with coffee. It's to this point where it feels like an idol. We wake up every morning and say to ourselves.. gotta have that cup of coffee. This is what turns me into a living, breathing, functioning actual human. Oh, and Jesus. He sustains that. Like. He keeps me being human once coffee has done it's transforming, miraculous work.

Coffee is popular to love. And I think part of this is because you can love it in the open, idolize it even, and nobody is going to give you flak for it. It's loved to near idolatry. Imagine if we replaced coffee in those phrases with some other idol that is less acceptable...
"This girl runs on shopping and Jesus!"
"All I need today is a little bit of drugs and a whole lot of Jesus!"
"Porn fuels me. Jesus keeps me going."

Like, it's weird, right?

I think it bothers me so much because it is like good grief. What would happen if we were as obsessed with Jesus as we are with coffee? What if we woke up and craved Jesus like we do coffee? Or if around 2 pm during that afternoon slump at work we were to think, man, it's time to have a 15 minute break and talk to Jesus now. Gotta have Jesus.

Girl. Coffee is great and all, but Jesus is the one who should be motivating and fueling you. Yes, He is the Sustainer, but He is also the Author. Perfecter. Wellspring. Beginning. End. The Way. The Truth. The Life.
Jesus cannot be the afterthought. He should be the first and foremost thought. Coffee should fall by the wayside. Gym workouts, by the wayside. Makeup, by the wayside. Alcohol, by the wayside. Lust, by the wayside. The former things fall away! Jesus is the one who transforms your life. And girl. It's gotta transform from thinking that coffee is the thing that gets you through.

Yes, this is kind of tongue in cheek. Coffee is just the example. We are so careless with our thoughts and speech sometimes that things come out like Jesus isn't the most important to us. But the thing is, that if it consistently comes out that way, I'm betting He might not be.

"Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me." Psalm 54:4

"The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:15-17

"Before I fill my cup, I'll lift You up..."

When songs give place to sighing

Blogtrack: His Eye is On the Sparrow - Mahalia Jackson

[July 2013]

The past few days have been surreal. I've thought about trying to write, and I just can't get anything out. Emily Cleveland is in the ICU with a severe brain bleed. At this point, she has had surgery and 85% of the clot has been removed which is miraculous and uncharted territory for even the expert surgeons who were working on her. She is unresponsive. It's just surreal.

Three days ago, she was sitting in our living room doing Christmas with us. We were laughing and smiling and hugging and making plans for spring visits. And now everything has changed. In so many ways, this feels like I'm in my senior year of high school again, and my whole mindset has shifted because of this. But I keep reminding myself that Emily is not Josh. This situation is not that one. Things are different.

So many people are praying for E. I am confident in the power of prayer. I have seen God work. Somehow, I am not worried. Worried is not the word for how I feel. I feel a quiet sadness, I guess. Because I know things will now be different for E and her family and for me, too. But I also keep thinking... if this is what God's will is... if this is what it takes for E or any of us to give Him more glory and grow in relationship with Him... then how could we not take on this challenge? How could we refuse to be tested by holy fire? This is where we dig in deep and see how far joy's roots reach into our souls. I'm not worried.

"Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,

When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies;

I draw closer to Him, from care He sets me free.

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches me;

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches me."

Say geronimo

Blogtrack: Coming Over (Filous Remix) by James Hersey

I am a strange mix of feelings. Productive, exhausted, pleased with myself, not quite satisfied. I am very good at cooking myself into a right dramatic state. It has been a generally quite chill day. Didn't start out particularly good. I've gotten to the point where I really do not need to set alarms to wake up anymore because my body just refuses to stay asleep. This morning I woke up that way. Naturally. But of course, although my body wanted to be awake, it did not actually want to properly function. So Dexter and I had a good old fashioned lie in, and eventually I coaxed myself out of bed. Yesterday I tidied the living room/dining room so this morning I did the kitchen. I have a few more dishes to do that didn't fit in the dishwasher, but at least a tad bit of sanity is restored. (Tidy kitchen, tidy mind.)

In the afternoon, I started with some yoga which I will probably finish after I am done typing this. Made some lunch and while I ate, I made a new playlist for July; although, now I realize July is nearly over. So I guess it is mostly just a summer playlist. (My favourite from the whole list is the blogtrack.)(Sometime I will have to write about how I feel about music because as I've been talking to Kels about it, I realize that I feel differently about music than I used to.) Once I was tired of arranging a playlist, because honestly, it is a painstaking labor of love type process, I put it on and got to work. My to do list felt as long as my arm so I narrowed it down to the things that were supposed to be done today, Sunday, next week, and indefinitely. This is how I work. Lists. Well, in no time at all, I had vaporized my today list and started on my indefinite list. Coffee and phone chat break in the middle, of course. Today's coffee brought to you by Panera, Columbian roast. I think we have enough for one more time, and then we will be on to trying a new roast. I'm hoping that maybe in a couple of paychecks, we will be able to get a coffee bean grinder so we can use our French press to the full effect.

Now I suppose I should go finish up my 20 minutes of yoga as per Dr. Morse's suggestion. And then supper. Oh, but now I realize I didn't actually write about the visit to Dr. Morse. Hmm. Okay. The succinct version is that I was extremely nervous, but he was very nice. I feel like I can talk to him, and he is listening to what I have to say. I also appreciate that he immediately had suggestions about what I can do while waiting for tests to come back to start feeling a bit better. (Managing diet and exercise better) I had one test while I was there, and I will go for blood work on Tuesday morning. When I go back to Dr. Morse on August 5th, we will be able to discuss results, how my diet/exercise has been going, and talk about what the next steps are. I feel like this is where I start building my "health Avengers" team. I already have neurologist Dr. Roth on board, and now I'm adding DO Dr. Morse. These are the people with the training to take down the illness that is running rampant. The best thing about Dr. Morse was that he made me feel like I could do it. Sometimes with doctors, I have felt like I had to earn their trust or respect about how I handle my body and pain, but Dr. Morse seemed like he immediately valued my opinions on how I am feeling and believed that I am strong enough to conquer this thing. I think I can acknowledge now that I am in a daily fight for health and personal well-being. I am not willing to sit idly by while my life crashes around me. I am going to pursue a better life.

[Waiting at the dr.]

Your praise will ever be on my lips

Blogtrack: You Don't Miss A Thing by Amanda Cook // Ever Be by Kalley Heiligenthal

The past two days have been difficult. I made it through church yesterday really well. We only had two kiddos for Sunday school, and five kiddos for children's church. (One was a kid who had come to Water Night!!) This is probably what our July is going to look like. I have the big decision tomorrow of changing our curriculum or keeping with what we are doing. I asked for our teachers to weigh in, but they have kind of just been hemming and hawing about it. So because they aren't saying one way or another that kind of makes me want to lock it in for another 3 months... We would be in this curriculum through November then... I'm going to ask Pastor Steve what he thinks. I'm comfortable with that, but that would mean 6 more months of this, and if the teachers truly don't like it and are just not saying that, I don't want to stick them with 6 months of disliked curriculum...

Anyhow, I have had such a migraine since yesterday afternoon. I thought it was letting up this morning, but I just felt better for a little bit, and it came back full force. It was the kind that has me dizzy, nauseous, and convinced that I'm going to hurl every few seconds. It was just a really long day. I am feeling better now. And I have taken the opportunity to enjoy a few chronic illness themed someecards...

It wasn't the worst day that could have been churned out. It just wasn't the day that I was hoping it would be. But here is hoping that tomorrow is the day I would like to have happen. :)

How to be alone

Blogtrack: Paris by Fickle Friends

Haven't had a "blogtrack" in awhile, but this post was written with this song on replay. So it seems fitting to note that. Today has been restful. I only responded to emails and sent a couple texts in regards to work. But otherwise I have been on a Sabbath from work related things. I was going to do work today, but as I got thinking into it, I was like.. no. You need to take time to pause. These things can wait until tomorrow. I've been nose to the grindstone all week so it's time for a break.

Kelsey took me out to IHOP for brunch this morning so I had a lovely Belgian waffle. Pretty soon after that she had to leave for a soccer game, so I've been left on my own with Dexter for the day. I played a little piano, cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed, did some general straightening, laundry, and rearranged my room. Clean house makes for a happy Britany. I had leftover chicken enchilada for supper with some lemonade. Depending on how long this takes to write, I may make a lemon cake tonight. Mmm. Or wait and make it Sunday and take it to the office on Monday? Maybe that. We shall see.

Anyhow, on instagram, there is a challenge for this month called #selflove4spoonies. Each week has a topic and questions/challenges to focus on yourself in relation to your illness. The first week is about cultivating self-awareness and self-honesty. The challenge is to take time to ask yourself tough questions about where you are not being honest with yourself about health, relationships, career, finances, etc. I guess it's kind of a self-inventory. And I'm going to do that here.

On the topic of my health...
I like to be positive, but oftentimes that makes me unrealistic. I am more ill than I allow myself to acknowledge much of the time. I have some weeks that are awful, and some weeks that aren't. There is not rhyme or reason to this as far as I can see. But I know that I try to let myself continue to think I'm as well as ever even when I'm in the midst of a bad week. It's hard to describe how well or not well I am when it changes week to week and sometimes even moment to moment with no warning. At this point, I would say that I am functioning relatively well about 70% of the time. But I will also tell you that I originally wrote 60% and just upped it. Because I am positive. My normal is not others' normal. I am in constant pain now. I cannot remember the last time I was not in pain. But now that I am used to it, it is duller. It doesn't hurt so much. It is normal. I'm not sad about that anymore. I don't know if I'm on a trajectory toward getting "better." I'm not sure that there is a "better." Or that I will ever achieve it. But I am alright. I don't think I would call my life unmanageable at this point.

On the topic of my relationships...
This is one of the things I hate most about chronic illness. There is so much going on in my head about myself, I barely have time left to invest in other people. I feel like I have let my relationships slide a bit in the past 6 months. Moving away from many of my friends put a physical gap, and I helped the gap along by not actively pursuing much of a relationship with most of the people I left. I'm not sure if it is good or bad, but this doesn't entirely bother me. I think many of those relationships were 'for a time' type of friendships. The ones that are 'for life' will continue. And that is because those people invest in me as well even though I am far away.
My relationship with my family is different now than it was 6 months ago. I feel more adult in the way I interact with Mom and Dad. Although we are miles away, I've honestly never loved them as much as now or felt so close to them. I feel like I can share anything with them which I'm pretty sure most kids don't get to say about their parents. I miss having Courtney living near me so, so much. I know she is where she needs to be for this period of her life, but selfishly, I want my best friend with me. I feel lonely a lot of the time... circumstances make for that at this point. I'm sure that I am learning a lot from being in a quiet house on my own, but it is so different from what I prefer.
It is different to live one on one with your friend than you may think. I am learning a lot about communication and negotiation. There is a lot of balance when there are just two of you in a house. I think there has been a rapid maturing for me in the way I relate to people as well as just my emotional processing. I might be wrong, but I think I am looking at things in a more healthy way than I previously have.

On the topic of my career...
I'm a mixed bag about my job right now. I don't feel like I can say career at this point because I just don't know how far I intend to take this. I oscillate between feeling very excited and discouraged. There is a lot to process in ministry. Everyone has an opinion, and I'm just over here like, "Lord, use me, please!" I pray that this program grows. I don't think it's wrong to say that I want to be successful in this. I do want God's will for it, whatever that is... But He also knows exactly what my heart is about it. This will take time, I know, I'm just trying to be faithful and passionate about it as God works. If there is possibility of me being well enough for a second job, I will do that. If not, I will continue this way. If I get to be married and be a mom, then I will do that. If I get to stay single and pour into children through KidCentral, then I will do that. I will do what I can. This has always been my attitude, and God has always been faithful to me as I brighten my corner of the world this way.

On the topic of my finances...
Closely tied to my job. I made a budget, and I'm sticking to it pretty well. I have enough. I cannot complain at all. I felt like I took a big hit when I had to replace my computer, and that made me nervous for about two weeks, but then I felt better about it. It's just crazy how God provides. A year ago the church had no idea how they could pay me, and now I have enough each month to pay all my necessities plus to do a few nice things. I'm not worried. Sometimes I should probably care a bit more, but I'm smart, I pay attention, and I don't overspend. I'm a planner. It's what I do.

On the topic of who I am becoming...
The past winter was a difficult time for me. I felt a lot of burden and loss. For a time, I saw myself as some sort of victim. Eventually that evolved into seeing myself as someone chosen to shoulder illness. Not like I was trying to see myself these ways... it was a sort of subconscious thing. I suppose the winter was a sort of extreme growing point for my faith and just general maturity. Somehow, through it all, I ended out sort of realizing my privilege being who I am as a coheir with Christ. My identity is first rooted in being the beloved daughter of God and all other things fall under that... maybe even through that. When I look at my life through the lens of being loved... Just.. wow.

My life feels full of little losses and gains. Big losses, sometimes. But they are lovely. Lovely moments of grace. My chronic illness is beautiful to God. Because I am determined to allow it to bring me blessing and to bring blessings to those around me. In my weakness, in my illness, I'm determined I will bless God. The moments where I cannot walk... sacred. The times when I have to lay down for an hour after showering... holy. It's not a matter of God being blessed in spite of my malaise, He is blessed because of my illness. I can't really wrap my mind around that. But I know it is true. Because He allows it to continue in my life, He sees me praising Him for the good things it brings into my life, and He loves me in all those moments. If I'm His most beloved child and He allows this for me... how is it not a good and perfect thing that fits into His perfect plans?

So each morning, I will continue on... waking after restless sleep and saying...

Dear God, if I lose my hope today... bring me back to you...
Restore the sparkle to my eyes, come to me like rain... bring me back to you...
Bring me back to you.