Holiday photos

Thought I would pop in real quick to share my fave photos from my family's recent vacation to Florida. I may at some point make a video with the rest of the photos and video from the trip, but my creativity is just not that amped tonight. So. Put on this song (Bungalow), and enjoy!

heart for the city

I saw an article the other day about pro-rape rallies that would be taking place in 165 cities across 43 countries all around the world, and my heart broke. The man who organized these meetings later "cancelled" them because he was worried about the safety of the men who were going to meet because the backlash was so strong. But he did leave it up to the men if they still wanted to go.
The meeting was supposed to take place tonight. In my city, it was supposed to happen within a block from me. That part doesn't scare me outright, but it does make it very real.
My soul just aches for the people who have been victims of sexual crimes, for those who don't understand why it is wrong, and for our broken world.
I am on my knees before God asking for Him to build His Kingdom in my city and community. Equip people to go out and be your hands and feet, God. Bolster our courage and send us into the darkness that we might bring YOUR LIGHT to those dark places. We are yours. This city is yours. Lord, I see wrecked. But I know you see redeemable.

embracing insomnia

This evening, I googled. My sleep schedule is to the point that I just do not know what to do. I am tired all of the time. Generally, I go to bed by 11 or 12 and lie in my bed wide awake until 2...3...4... or on the really bad nights even 5 in the morning. I celebrate the times when I have fallen asleep by 2. It's a pattern now that I hate, but don't know how to get rid of. I've stayed up all night hoping it would make me so tired I could sleep the next night, but that didn't work. I do all the things you are supposed to do to encourage sleep...

Well, anyhow. This evening, I googled. And I came to the decision that this night, instead of wasting hours just laying there being so completely awake, I would just do something productive instead. So here I am at two in the morning on the couch. I've been working on church things (I have an event coming on Friday and Saturday), and feeling the creative bug biting. Maybe in these hours I'll find new inspiration. Maybe my prayers will feel more deep. (Tonight we're praying for Uncle Eli traveling!) Maybe I'll become so exhausted that I turn into a giant crab tomorrow. Whatever these hours have in store, I'm ready for it. It's better than tossing and turning on my aching body in that bed that feels like an enemy with whom I desperately need to get along.

Courtney

I just have to share this photo of Courtney. Because she's insanely gorgeous, and I seriously love it. It might be one of my favourite pictures I've ever taken. Just.... wowwwww. Heart eyes emoji.

writer's block

I am so writer's blocked right now. I'm trying to finish up tying together all the bits and pieces of a 1-day curriculum that is secret agent themed for church. It is slow going. I have all the ideas, and if I were doing it myself, I wouldn't even have to bother wiring it all together. But I'm making if for college students who are coming in to run it, so I'm trying to make my ideas be extremely clear. Tomorrow I will hopefully get some feedback from them, so we will see just how clear I have been.

Doesn't make me eager to try to finish the VBS curriculum I started...

In the meantime, here's cute pictures of Kelsey's new puppy, Sadie.

on a bad day

Today was a fibro flare type day. Or a migraine day. Or something. It was just a lot of pain day.
I used today, stuck in my bed in a darkened room, to reflect on my chronic illness. I tried to ask myself how I feel about having chronic pain? So much of my time is spent coping, planning, adjusting, and trying to learn how to manage... I'm not sure how much effort I've put into understanding my feelings about pain.

I know I feel guilty most of the time. I know this is a false guilt -- what's happened to me is not my fault, and I can't help it. But every time someone helps me, excuses me, tells me how sorry they are for me... I feel guilty that they are negatively affected by me. What you know and how you feel aren't exactly the same always. I don't want to feel guilty, but I know that I often do.

Here are a couple blog posts I read today while trying to process:
Dreaming Big
10 Conversations to Have About Chronic Pain

When songs give place to sighing

Blogtrack: His Eye is On the Sparrow - Mahalia Jackson

[July 2013]

The past few days have been surreal. I've thought about trying to write, and I just can't get anything out. Emily Cleveland is in the ICU with a severe brain bleed. At this point, she has had surgery and 85% of the clot has been removed which is miraculous and uncharted territory for even the expert surgeons who were working on her. She is unresponsive. It's just surreal.

Three days ago, she was sitting in our living room doing Christmas with us. We were laughing and smiling and hugging and making plans for spring visits. And now everything has changed. In so many ways, this feels like I'm in my senior year of high school again, and my whole mindset has shifted because of this. But I keep reminding myself that Emily is not Josh. This situation is not that one. Things are different.

So many people are praying for E. I am confident in the power of prayer. I have seen God work. Somehow, I am not worried. Worried is not the word for how I feel. I feel a quiet sadness, I guess. Because I know things will now be different for E and her family and for me, too. But I also keep thinking... if this is what God's will is... if this is what it takes for E or any of us to give Him more glory and grow in relationship with Him... then how could we not take on this challenge? How could we refuse to be tested by holy fire? This is where we dig in deep and see how far joy's roots reach into our souls. I'm not worried.

"Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,

When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies;

I draw closer to Him, from care He sets me free.

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches me;

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches me."

Two thousand fifteen: year in review

It is my usual custom on this day to take an inventory of the past year by month. I've become increasingly bad at remembering things, and this year, I don't have the advantage of having my journal close by or my ipod for remembering playlists. But I shall try to fill in with some thoughts about 2015 which was a very interesting year in some ways and completely unremarkable in others. Isn't that always how it goes?

The word of the year seemed to be JOY. I didn't mean for that to be the theme that came back over and over, but I found myself seeking after joy more often than not. Joy didn't mean happy, exactly. It was a big, growing, stretching year. 2015 was one of the most 'alone' years I've ever had, but it was not lonely. I've never been the person who looked on the bright side, and I don't think that was the lesson that I was learning this year. But I definitely learned something about self worth, selfishness, attitude, that there is a time to let go and a time to dig in for the long haul, and setting your mind on things that are good and holy... looking for the absolute truth when you are preoccupied with how you feel.

It has set me up to be excited for the next year that as my health improves, I can be looking for opportunities to engage in relationships. I'm excited to see how God moves. My desire is to make more and more moments available, open, and welcoming for others to engage with me. And for the Holy Spirit to minister and work. If I could pre-pick a word for the year, I think I would choose KINDNESS. I want to bring kindness and gentleness into my speech, actions, etc. in a way like I never have before.

And now. Some highlights from 2015 via one of my favourite mediums: photo.

My most played according to iTunes...
10 - Sunshine by Tom Misch
9 - Geronimo by Sheppard
8 - Wake Your Soul by The Hope Arsenal
7 - Paris by Fickle Friends
6 - Elastic Heart by Sia
5 - Modern Love by Coasts
4 - I Shall Not Want by Audrey Assad
3 - Ohio (Filous Remix) by Damien Jurado
2 - Coming Over (Filous Remix) by James Hersey
1 - Vivaldi's The Four Seasons (Spring) 2. Largo recorded by Simon Standage & Trevor Pinnock

Also loved...
Justin Bieber's album Purpose, One Direction's album Made in the A.M., Keaton Henson's album Dear, The Staves, and all manner of music that has been deemed "sassy elevator jazzy coffee time" music.

Well. That's all I can think of.
Hello, 2016.