Love like a tidal wave

You know what, today did not go as planned, but it wasn't the worst thing that it happened that way. Kelsey and I were late to set up for Olivia's wedding, but we made it in okay time. It was pretty labor intensive, but I just love doing that sort of stuff. If I could, I would love to work in events coordinating at some point of my life. But maybe then I wouldn't love it so much... Who knows. But anyhow, I was having a grand time moving tables and figuring out room configuration etc. It's just a very good headspace for me. Not so much for my body. I lasted from 11 something until about 3:30, and then I was done. The plan was to stay the whole day, go to rehearsal dinner, and then drive home. But plans are changed. So this way, hopefully, I'll be good to go for the wedding tomorrow. When I got home, I wrapped Kelsey's present for her, but mostly, I just chilled. Played a little piano, rested on the sofa, had some supper; a quiet night with Dexter. So anyhow, I'm off to bed now. Here's some photos of the presents I wrapped for Ross & Olivia.

Say geronimo

Blogtrack: Coming Over (Filous Remix) by James Hersey

I am a strange mix of feelings. Productive, exhausted, pleased with myself, not quite satisfied. I am very good at cooking myself into a right dramatic state. It has been a generally quite chill day. Didn't start out particularly good. I've gotten to the point where I really do not need to set alarms to wake up anymore because my body just refuses to stay asleep. This morning I woke up that way. Naturally. But of course, although my body wanted to be awake, it did not actually want to properly function. So Dexter and I had a good old fashioned lie in, and eventually I coaxed myself out of bed. Yesterday I tidied the living room/dining room so this morning I did the kitchen. I have a few more dishes to do that didn't fit in the dishwasher, but at least a tad bit of sanity is restored. (Tidy kitchen, tidy mind.)

In the afternoon, I started with some yoga which I will probably finish after I am done typing this. Made some lunch and while I ate, I made a new playlist for July; although, now I realize July is nearly over. So I guess it is mostly just a summer playlist. (My favourite from the whole list is the blogtrack.)(Sometime I will have to write about how I feel about music because as I've been talking to Kels about it, I realize that I feel differently about music than I used to.) Once I was tired of arranging a playlist, because honestly, it is a painstaking labor of love type process, I put it on and got to work. My to do list felt as long as my arm so I narrowed it down to the things that were supposed to be done today, Sunday, next week, and indefinitely. This is how I work. Lists. Well, in no time at all, I had vaporized my today list and started on my indefinite list. Coffee and phone chat break in the middle, of course. Today's coffee brought to you by Panera, Columbian roast. I think we have enough for one more time, and then we will be on to trying a new roast. I'm hoping that maybe in a couple of paychecks, we will be able to get a coffee bean grinder so we can use our French press to the full effect.

Now I suppose I should go finish up my 20 minutes of yoga as per Dr. Morse's suggestion. And then supper. Oh, but now I realize I didn't actually write about the visit to Dr. Morse. Hmm. Okay. The succinct version is that I was extremely nervous, but he was very nice. I feel like I can talk to him, and he is listening to what I have to say. I also appreciate that he immediately had suggestions about what I can do while waiting for tests to come back to start feeling a bit better. (Managing diet and exercise better) I had one test while I was there, and I will go for blood work on Tuesday morning. When I go back to Dr. Morse on August 5th, we will be able to discuss results, how my diet/exercise has been going, and talk about what the next steps are. I feel like this is where I start building my "health Avengers" team. I already have neurologist Dr. Roth on board, and now I'm adding DO Dr. Morse. These are the people with the training to take down the illness that is running rampant. The best thing about Dr. Morse was that he made me feel like I could do it. Sometimes with doctors, I have felt like I had to earn their trust or respect about how I handle my body and pain, but Dr. Morse seemed like he immediately valued my opinions on how I am feeling and believed that I am strong enough to conquer this thing. I think I can acknowledge now that I am in a daily fight for health and personal well-being. I am not willing to sit idly by while my life crashes around me. I am going to pursue a better life.

[Waiting at the dr.]

There is much

Sometimes I feel very small. I have felt tiny...useless...fragmented the past few days. Each day, I have been working so hard to run after joy on what feel like broken legs. A broken heart trying to cultivate pieces of hope and project it outward. I've called those who are closest to me... and I just can't talk about it. I'm not sure what is driving this all, and I'm not sure it's entirely bad.
In a way, I'm grieving the person I lost when all this chronic illness stuff took the large hold it now has. And I think that is important. Acknowledging the person I was... the person who was lost... the person I thought I would be. And accepting that there is a new Britany in place of the old. And she is not a bad person. She is a becoming person.
There is still an image in my head of a healthier me in the future. Prettier, thinner, the subtle signs of sickness that most people miss now gone; she is laughing. Maybe with her fiance in a field for their engagement pictures, smiling with her head on his shoulder. Or smiling to herself as she watches her baby sleeping in the crib. Or just out doing a normal bit of shopping, stopping to grab a coffee on the way without worrying how tired it is going to make her.
I don't know if I can achieve any better health. But I think that's why I've been a bit teary recently. I'm just not ready to give up the idea that maybe I can feel better. Maybe someday I won't feel like this all the time. Maybe someday my "normal" will look more like the normal of other people my age. I'm trying to know how to deal with all of this in its many dimensions. Sometimes it just feels like so much. And I'm expected to be rational and kind and graceful through it. It's a lot of pressure, and often I'm just not sure how to let out the pent up frustration at it all. And the grief... Chronic illness is said to be an infinity of loss. That's what makes it most difficult to bear, I think.
There's just been a lot rolling around in my head. And I truly don't know how to express it. The past few days have not been horrible even though I have been a bit down. In fact, I think I've been succeeding more than normal in the past few days... really the past three weeks, even. The last time I wrote was Thursday. I'll try to sum up what has happened since then.
Friday - I know we went to IHOP at some point this day. It is becoming a staple. We love seeing our favourite waitress, Cho, and it's always an interesting time there. This time included a man who was elderly and seemed as though maybe he was running away from home? He was very jolly. There is not much more than I remember about this day. This is how time passes for me. I forget quickly. I think maybe we watched a movie.
Saturday - I remember much more about Saturday because we were supposed to play tennis at 7 pm with Jeff and Nate (Kelsey's friends who I hope become mine, as well), but it was looking like rain all day, and I was not feeling well at all. There was a lot of nausea involved. Details on that part of the day are sketchy, as well as what we did all day long, but I know at some point, I cleaned our house, we had supper, and I seriously considered pleading out of it all. But. I really would like to have friends, so I went along to our doubles tennis and tried to be sunshiney. I warned the guys from the get go that I am not very good at tennis. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy. I was awful. Maybe 5 good hits the whole night. Nate was really patient with me, and we actually almost won, but I still feel a little bad. I'm hoping they will play with us again so they can see how much my health impacts my skills. For once, I do remember how bad I felt. That memory hasn't washed away yet. Probably because of how embarrassing it was.
Sunday - When I woke up on Sunday morning, I was worried that I wasn't going to be able to go to church at all. So much nausea. I was pleased that my muscles hadn't locked up as much as I thought they might. I made it through Sunday school. Bless Pastor Steve for letting me go home to rest. It wasn't necessary for me to be there to present. But I always do feel guilty about the onsets of my ill bouts. By the evening I was feeling better. I tried to keep moving every so often throughout the afternoon so I wouldn't get sore, and then in the evening Kels and I played some softball and tennis. Then we had an impromptu trip to Jackson to see the lighted falls at Cascades Park.
Monday - Today I tried to take my day easy so that I have energy for the doctor tomorrow. It was boring. I didn't like it. I didn't work because I've been consumed with that lately and could really use to not put so much pressure on myself. I didn't feel so physically bad today, but I didn't really feel good. And I had to work for joy. I'm not feeling worthy of joy or goodness or much right now. I'm ready for tomorrow to be over. There is a lot riding on it. I'm nervous, but not worried. I just really hope this is the right stepping stone for once.
Sorry I'm a downer this entry. I'm just trying to work it all out.

 [Loving my antioxidant rich breakfast from the other day]

[At the park with Dex on Sunday]

Till the race is won

And so I soldier on. As I predicted, it was a difficult day. I won't get into the details because it was nasty, and I would like to forget the majority of it. I'm content with it becoming just another entry in my pain log. The day sums up as: Thursday, bad day, 7 pain scale, many triggers, treatments mostly ineffective.

The only thing I really managed to accomplish today was feeding myself. And ordering the VBS stuff. But other than that, there was a lot of trying to convince myself I felt well. And failing at that.

This evening we had a bonfire and it turned out to be girls only. Then Kels and I watched a movie. And now I am falling asleep as I type this. So tired. Goodnight. 

Allow restfulness

This is being posted from my phone so sorry if it turns out a little wonky. It was one of those days that turns out so full that I don't even want to take the energy to blog as I crash into bed, but I'm trying to keep to routines this week so here I am...blogging...while also in bed keeping the bedtime routine.

I was hoping to get up at 8 this morning with the eventual goal of consistently waking up around 7, but didn't fall asleep as fast as I had hoped. And thus was up, dressed, and moving by 9:30. I actually made myself a breakfast smoothie from frozen strawberries, power greens (mizuna, kale, chard, spinach) & passion fruit juice, all organic. It looked very unappetizing, but tasted so fresh and nice. Hopefully I can keep a breakfast trend going.

I took a bit of a break from VBS this morning to just be restful. Keeping my body and mind constantly worked up isn't awesome, so I took time out to let my body down from working so much yesterday. I hit it again in the afternoon, assembling a list of supplies that need to be found and from where. Tomorrow we will do our online purchasing.

When Kels got home, we went to the park to try to play tennis. I made it through one game, but I think there em be massive repercussions tomorrow. Basically I'm only planning on doing purchasing and general Sunday school stuff. And showering. Wish that wasn't so hard for me to do.

We met Andrea at the Lehmans' house for our violin lesson because that's where Kels's violin was. It went alright, but it does hurt a little in my hands to do and my hands are small for it so I will have to practice a lot. But it was fun, and I hope we can get slightly decent at it. Andrea is happy to have us as guinea pig students because in the fall she is going to start teaching a group class to elementary students and she's never taught before. I feel successful tonight because it was not the worst violin playing I've heard. :)

Lemon pie & small victories

I was up this morning quite on time and happy because it was raining. I've always been a rain person; especially a summer rain. Summer rains make me feel more like it is autumn which we all know is my absolute favourite. So anyhow, I bounced out of bed, tidied the kitchen, and made coffee to go before we headed to the office for staff meeting. Work can mostly be summed up in this way: VBS. I'm all VBS at this point. I wake up thinking about it, and I go to bed thinking about it. But today, I had a huge milestone in my small steps toward a better life: I worked at the office for nearly the whole day. 10:30-4 with a 45 minute break for lunch. This is impressive, people. I didn't cook tonight, and I didn't keep working when I came home. I listened to music I like, played the piano, put on relaxing candles, and just generally took some time out. And I think maybe, just maybe, I'll be alright tomorrow. Milestone.

When Kelsey got back from beach volleyball, she was in desperate need of pie. So I packed her in the car, drove her to Kroger, and we got mini pies and some ice cream to cure everything. My mini pie was lemon. Delicious. I am excited, though, that soon there will be a bakery opening very near to us called Glazed and Confused. It's basically donuts upon donuts. But also lunch, salads, cakes, coffee, etc. I simply cannot wait. I hope it is as wonderful as it seems like it will be because I've been waiting for a place to be a "regular." Well anyhow, the theme of the day is rejoicing in the ability to make little strides toward a bigger goal...

Tiny steps

Small efforts

Little victories

ADD UP  

 

Walking on a dream

So to continue our story from yesterday. When I got back to my city, there had been some miscommunication between Kelsey and I as to where we were meeting. I was going to our house; she thought I was going to her parents. Chaos ensued. About the time we were realizing our mistake, Kelsey's friends Marissa and Wesley were suddenly pulling into our parking lot, and I was playing hostess while Kelsey rushed around trying to get back to our place in good time. It all turned out fine and dandy but was a bit of a surprise at the time.
Sunday dawns pretty early for me. Somehow I usually wake up hours before I need to be at the church, and I go over everything in my head for the millionth time. One time, I'm fairly sure I rewrote most of a children's sermon while I was half asleep. Sidebar: I plan and adjust my plans and improvise, and it all comes together. But this is done with a tremendous amount of me reciting details in my head so that I do not forget anything. This was a part of my personality before taking daily medication, but now that I have such memory loss and sometimes what feels like cognitive impairment (more commonly known in the chronic illness community as 'brain fog'), it has become more imperative for me to manage details impeccably. I shuffle through all those things I am supposed to be processing which "normal" people process all at once, and I triple check to make sure that I am correctly storing the important data and discarding the bits that don't make as much difference. Most people's brains do this for them automatically and seamlessly... mine is a more awkward situation. Thankfully, I took classes about processing and memory formation and retrieval, and I am proactive about trying to store important memories. It doesn't make you feel much better about the situation; feeling dull, like you can't keep up with conversation, can't contribute, etc. But at least I can keep track of some of the finer points. Sidebar over.
The morning went well at church. Three kiddos learning about Solomon asking God to give him wisdom. Our "detective agency" kept the attention of the kids, and I loved seeing their excited faces as they turned in their "clue sheets." They are getting it. I'm hoping their parents take notice of the questions on the sheet and address what the kids answered. But I can only provide opportunities. Even VBS recruiting didn't feel as hopeless as the week before. Nearly half the spots are filled now, and I'm much more confident that we will pull it off. My Sunday afternoon was spent pouring over my director's guide, making sure that I have a firm hold on all of the details. I really do not want to screw this up; it feels very high stakes. In the evening, Kelsey returned with her friends plus her friend Olivia. She was going to have a campfire in our backyard and had invited some people from her Bible study group plus a couple others. I am glad that I felt well enough to participate. There were maybe ten people in our backyard (who weren't us, I mean), and it just felt nice to have a community piece of life. I've met a couple of them a few times, so I feel like I know them well enough to joke around and be more myself than say on the first impression bit. And since Olivia was there, it was even more comfortable. We had hotdogs over the fire, did a bit of a guitar/mandolin/uke jam sesh, laughed, and just enjoyed the company of other young people. A bit of exciting news that comes out of this is that one of the girls, Andrea, is going to start coming over weekly and teaching Kelsey and I how to play the violin. Or trying to, at least. I'm not sure how we will be bartering back for this... I suggested that I could bake for her. Or teach her to play the piano. But I am excited to develop one more friendship here.
The photo above is representative of when most of the people had gone home, and we could hear the music festival going at full tilt a couple of blocks down. Empire of the Sun was playing, and when they started Walking On A Dream, Kelsey and I lost it. We ran out of our backyard, across the street, and danced in the parking lot to the song that we have deemed "ours." Twirling with our arms high, making the craziest moves we could think of, and out of breath with excitement, I just had to think about how much I love having a friend who will run straight to nowhere to dance for no reason. It was just one of those little moments that could have been passed over, but it was so special and fun.
Today was more normal than the past week. Our staff meeting got moved to Tuesday, but there were a mess of sleepovering friends in my living room, so I did my work in my bedroom for the morning. I am nearly ready to order all of the rest of the supplies I have to get from the publisher for VBS. Tomorrow I will check with Pastor Steve for the go ahead, and things will really get rolling after this! The biggest events of the day centered around me trying to invent a new dish for supper and subsequently burning my fingers while cooking said dish. It turned out well, though. Rotini pasta with red sauce, hamburger, oregano, a splash of milk, EVOO, garlic salt, and mozzarella cheese all combined and melted together on the stovetop. It was nice because it wasn't as deep of a dish as usual pasta dishes... it had a more light and refreshing tinge to it. We'll see how the leftovers do. The last big events of the day were people-centric. I talked to Mom briefly, and later Courtney, briefly. Aunt Jane, though, I talked to for nearly an hour. We had a lot to catch up on, and it just brightened up my evening to be able to talk with her. Once Kelsey got home, we kind of debriefed all the things that had happened while we were away from each other. Relaxing to be caught up on everything. And now we are trying to go to sleep, but it is thunderstorming, so I'm guessing that isn't in the cards for Kelsey. I love falling asleep to the sounds of the rain, but it keeps her anxiety high. Hopefully, it will settle soon and let her rest. And then tomorrow we will wake up refreshed and ready for a strange staff meeting missing Bruce and Ken. Until tomorrow...

A snippet...

I watched Grandma eating cookie dough off the spoon.

And she looked at me with eyes that are both younger and older than mine and said matter of factly, "Nothing is wasted."

Let me tell you a story

There is a lot of freedom in writing about things when they are not exactly fresh to you. Our minds influence our memories in that our current feelings change the way we remember previous happenings. But the beauty in this is that you can craft a much better story with a plot line running throughout the memories because you already know what is going to happen and where the action is going to turn. This is the nice thing about writing in larger chunks instead of portioning it down each night and reflecting on my day. Since I have been up north and with the family, I felt no need to blog. But now, I am aching to be back there. And so... I will tell you the story of my adventure to my hometown. And in doing so, I will tinge the memories with a bit of happy sad feelings. But I don't care. Because I want to put down in print what I did since I last wrote, and we can share in my happy sad missing of home.

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The drive to my hometown took longer than usual. Not as long as the snowstorm conditions that seemed to occur every Thanksgiving return trip in my college years, but longer than when the driver goes 3 miles above the speed limit the whole way. I am content to do this drive the slower way. Which I am certain is the safest and least prone to being ticketed for anything. Anyhow, the drive typically ends up around the three hour mark, but this specific trip ended up near four hours. I think this could be due in part to a stop in a town that Kelsey and I had never been to. We needed supper, and we needed supplies. So naturally we got lost on our way to Taco Bell, drove a large loop to get back toward the business area of town, and ended up not at Taco Bell at all. After eating in a parking lot, we popped into the store and hustled around aisles looking for the items on our list. And bought hats that were not on our list. Because when one is going on vacation, of course one needs a sun hat to wear during the hours you are going to be outside reading a modern classic and suntanning. All of this thought while saying aloud, "I'm not really a hat person, but..." Into the shopping basket they went. Or rather, our arms. Kelsey and I have a habit of always looking at shopping carts or baskets and deciding not to bring them with us. Of course, whenever we do this, we always end up needing them. It is a pattern of our lives.

New hats on our heads, we headed back out on the road. We still had hours to go, and it had taken us nearly an hour to bop around the town. This, in retrospect, is one of my favourite parts of the trip. And really, it's one of my favourite parts of our friendship. Kelsey is the kind of person who isn't opposed to urging something that should be mundane toward the magical adventure. We revel in our commonplace shenanigans. Everyday is full of wonderful joys.

Once we made it to my tiny homeplace, we were ready for rest. Our fourth of July festivities were small. My family wandered in and out; to and from work, Independence day parties, parades, etc. Kelsey and I mostly showed our patriotism in our clothing. I wouldn't say that I am terribly patriotic, but I do enjoy Americana colors and patterns. Celebration mainly centered in relaxing, eating the traditional barbecued chicken from the bookstore, and quite a bit of guilty pleasure watching of The Vampire Diaries. What's more American than taking time off from work, eating, and just hanging out?

 Restfulness ended abruptly, and at five in the morning, I was on my way back to the city with my parents. It was a down and back trip in one day so that I could teach at church. A much more rushed trip than our leisurely once of two days previous. A necessary rushed trip because soon after we returned upstate, my friends starting pouring into the house for a birthday celebration for me. Mom and Dad's ice cream machine went so hard, it literally broke. We played a giant game of Apples to Apples which I nearly won... this never happens, so it must be recorded.

The 6th of July dawned, and I turned twenty five. A real adult, maybe sort of. One of my former nursing home residents assures me that someday you truly feel like an adult. Maybe around seventy. Because by then you can feel it in your bones just how old you are. But this is the most adult I have felt to this point. In some ways, this was a hard birthday for me to have; I kept remembering how different my life was a year ago, and it was hard not to consider it much better. My physical state had not deteriorated so much in July 2014. Unbeknownst to 24 year old Britany, I was on the brink of a physical breakdown. But it hadn't happened yet, and I thought I was doing really well.

Anyhow, this birthday was full of good things, but it was also full of pain. I could barely sit straight up, but this did not stop a lovely trip to Lewiston Lodge for lunch with Kelsey and Courtney. Other antics of the day mainly centered around more Vampire Diaries, but in the evening we had nachos for supper while we introduced Kelsey to Star Wars. Following our viewing, we consumed as much pie as we could stuff ourselves full of, and my lovelies gave me sweet presents. Being together is such a gift as well. We played Masterpiece (the art auction game). My character was Roxy "Big D" Warrenson, and Kelsey was Bitzy something or tother. Such a time. But it closed out the birthday well as the family came together around something that I love.

The rest of my week is a jumble of memory. I know that if I add up the hours, I spent a couple of days worth of it in bed, hours at Camp working to prepare disability camp, and hours at the nursing home with Grandma and precious other residents. A breakfast with Mom at home. A breakfast out with Dad. One evening was spent with Melissa at Kyle & Anna's house meeting their baby Naomi, eating grilled chicken, salad, and fresh blueberries under the trees outside and then retreating inside to talk until it was nearly dark. One morning was spent with Bridgette and her three little ones playing and hearing about their lives; spending quality time together to last until the next visit. One afternoon was spent with Courtney; life talks and planning sitting huddled together on her bed, working to clean together, Doctor Who episodes, and a photoshoot. One evening was spent with family friends visiting... pizza, games with their son, Dirk, and Cody. Much of the week was spent in pain. I know this as fact, but I do not remember the pain now. All that's left are the happy things I did with my time. The reality of the depth of hurt has faded.

 

My last morning I woke nauseous with a migraine. I was supposed to drive alone to the city. It was imperative. I thought perhaps that breakfast would improve the situation, but I hadn't even made it back to my bed after retrieving cereal before I had to run to the bathroom, dry heaving. I threw up twice. These are some of my least favourite kinds of migraine. Second to the kind of migraines where I can only sit straight up. Those are the kind that make you wish you never existed. But somehow after two rounds of medicine, sleep, fervent prayer, and a lot of determination, I packed my car, said my goodbyes, and headed back home. The drive was uneventful. It felt as though it went in slow motion. That was just yesterday... it's so surreal to me. It seems much further away. The story of today will have to be saved for another day.

For now, let's just say that it is a strange feeling when you commute from a place that has always been home to the place that is now home. Two kinds of home that you are attached to in different ways. I love each place, and I love being in each place. I am myself in both places. But maybe different versions of myself? When I am in my hometown, I feel most free... and there I feel most emotional. When I am in my new town, I feel most grown up and most confident. Strong in both situations. You are strong when you let down your guard and show your feelings, and you are strong when you do what needs to be done. Two sides of the same person.