In a way, I'm grieving the person I lost when all this chronic illness stuff took the large hold it now has. And I think that is important. Acknowledging the person I was... the person who was lost... the person I thought I would be. And accepting that there is a new Britany in place of the old. And she is not a bad person. She is a becoming person.
There is still an image in my head of a healthier me in the future. Prettier, thinner, the subtle signs of sickness that most people miss now gone; she is laughing. Maybe with her fiance in a field for their engagement pictures, smiling with her head on his shoulder. Or smiling to herself as she watches her baby sleeping in the crib. Or just out doing a normal bit of shopping, stopping to grab a coffee on the way without worrying how tired it is going to make her.
I don't know if I can achieve any better health. But I think that's why I've been a bit teary recently. I'm just not ready to give up the idea that maybe I can feel better. Maybe someday I won't feel like this all the time. Maybe someday my "normal" will look more like the normal of other people my age. I'm trying to know how to deal with all of this in its many dimensions. Sometimes it just feels like so much. And I'm expected to be rational and kind and graceful through it. It's a lot of pressure, and often I'm just not sure how to let out the pent up frustration at it all. And the grief... Chronic illness is said to be an infinity of loss. That's what makes it most difficult to bear, I think.
There's just been a lot rolling around in my head. And I truly don't know how to express it. The past few days have not been horrible even though I have been a bit down. In fact, I think I've been succeeding more than normal in the past few days... really the past three weeks, even. The last time I wrote was Thursday. I'll try to sum up what has happened since then.
Friday - I know we went to IHOP at some point this day. It is becoming a staple. We love seeing our favourite waitress, Cho, and it's always an interesting time there. This time included a man who was elderly and seemed as though maybe he was running away from home? He was very jolly. There is not much more than I remember about this day. This is how time passes for me. I forget quickly. I think maybe we watched a movie.
Saturday - I remember much more about Saturday because we were supposed to play tennis at 7 pm with Jeff and Nate (Kelsey's friends who I hope become mine, as well), but it was looking like rain all day, and I was not feeling well at all. There was a lot of nausea involved. Details on that part of the day are sketchy, as well as what we did all day long, but I know at some point, I cleaned our house, we had supper, and I seriously considered pleading out of it all. But. I really would like to have friends, so I went along to our doubles tennis and tried to be sunshiney. I warned the guys from the get go that I am not very good at tennis. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy. I was awful. Maybe 5 good hits the whole night. Nate was really patient with me, and we actually almost won, but I still feel a little bad. I'm hoping they will play with us again so they can see how much my health impacts my skills. For once, I do remember how bad I felt. That memory hasn't washed away yet. Probably because of how embarrassing it was.
Sunday - When I woke up on Sunday morning, I was worried that I wasn't going to be able to go to church at all. So much nausea. I was pleased that my muscles hadn't locked up as much as I thought they might. I made it through Sunday school. Bless Pastor Steve for letting me go home to rest. It wasn't necessary for me to be there to present. But I always do feel guilty about the onsets of my ill bouts. By the evening I was feeling better. I tried to keep moving every so often throughout the afternoon so I wouldn't get sore, and then in the evening Kels and I played some softball and tennis. Then we had an impromptu trip to Jackson to see the lighted falls at Cascades Park.
Monday - Today I tried to take my day easy so that I have energy for the doctor tomorrow. It was boring. I didn't like it. I didn't work because I've been consumed with that lately and could really use to not put so much pressure on myself. I didn't feel so physically bad today, but I didn't really feel good. And I had to work for joy. I'm not feeling worthy of joy or goodness or much right now. I'm ready for tomorrow to be over. There is a lot riding on it. I'm nervous, but not worried. I just really hope this is the right stepping stone for once.
Sorry I'm a downer this entry. I'm just trying to work it all out.
[Loving my antioxidant rich breakfast from the other day]
[At the park with Dex on Sunday]
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