Haven't had a "blogtrack" in awhile, but this post was written with this song on replay. So it seems fitting to note that. Today has been restful. I only responded to emails and sent a couple texts in regards to work. But otherwise I have been on a Sabbath from work related things. I was going to do work today, but as I got thinking into it, I was like.. no. You need to take time to pause. These things can wait until tomorrow. I've been nose to the grindstone all week so it's time for a break.
Kelsey took me out to IHOP for brunch this morning so I had a lovely Belgian waffle. Pretty soon after that she had to leave for a soccer game, so I've been left on my own with Dexter for the day. I played a little piano, cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed, did some general straightening, laundry, and rearranged my room. Clean house makes for a happy Britany. I had leftover chicken enchilada for supper with some lemonade. Depending on how long this takes to write, I may make a lemon cake tonight. Mmm. Or wait and make it Sunday and take it to the office on Monday? Maybe that. We shall see.
On the topic of my health...
I like to be positive, but oftentimes that makes me unrealistic. I am more ill than I allow myself to acknowledge much of the time. I have some weeks that are awful, and some weeks that aren't. There is not rhyme or reason to this as far as I can see. But I know that I try to let myself continue to think I'm as well as ever even when I'm in the midst of a bad week. It's hard to describe how well or not well I am when it changes week to week and sometimes even moment to moment with no warning. At this point, I would say that I am functioning relatively well about 70% of the time. But I will also tell you that I originally wrote 60% and just upped it. Because I am positive. My normal is not others' normal. I am in constant pain now. I cannot remember the last time I was not in pain. But now that I am used to it, it is duller. It doesn't hurt so much. It is normal. I'm not sad about that anymore. I don't know if I'm on a trajectory toward getting "better." I'm not sure that there is a "better." Or that I will ever achieve it. But I am alright. I don't think I would call my life unmanageable at this point.
On the topic of my relationships...
This is one of the things I hate most about chronic illness. There is so much going on in my head about myself, I barely have time left to invest in other people. I feel like I have let my relationships slide a bit in the past 6 months. Moving away from many of my friends put a physical gap, and I helped the gap along by not actively pursuing much of a relationship with most of the people I left. I'm not sure if it is good or bad, but this doesn't entirely bother me. I think many of those relationships were 'for a time' type of friendships. The ones that are 'for life' will continue. And that is because those people invest in me as well even though I am far away.
My relationship with my family is different now than it was 6 months ago. I feel more adult in the way I interact with Mom and Dad. Although we are miles away, I've honestly never loved them as much as now or felt so close to them. I feel like I can share anything with them which I'm pretty sure most kids don't get to say about their parents. I miss having Courtney living near me so, so much. I know she is where she needs to be for this period of her life, but selfishly, I want my best friend with me. I feel lonely a lot of the time... circumstances make for that at this point. I'm sure that I am learning a lot from being in a quiet house on my own, but it is so different from what I prefer.
It is different to live one on one with your friend than you may think. I am learning a lot about communication and negotiation. There is a lot of balance when there are just two of you in a house. I think there has been a rapid maturing for me in the way I relate to people as well as just my emotional processing. I might be wrong, but I think I am looking at things in a more healthy way than I previously have.
On the topic of my career...
I'm a mixed bag about my job right now. I don't feel like I can say career at this point because I just don't know how far I intend to take this. I oscillate between feeling very excited and discouraged. There is a lot to process in ministry. Everyone has an opinion, and I'm just over here like, "Lord, use me, please!" I pray that this program grows. I don't think it's wrong to say that I want to be successful in this. I do want God's will for it, whatever that is... But He also knows exactly what my heart is about it. This will take time, I know, I'm just trying to be faithful and passionate about it as God works. If there is possibility of me being well enough for a second job, I will do that. If not, I will continue this way. If I get to be married and be a mom, then I will do that. If I get to stay single and pour into children through KidCentral, then I will do that. I will do what I can. This has always been my attitude, and God has always been faithful to me as I brighten my corner of the world this way.
On the topic of my finances...
Closely tied to my job. I made a budget, and I'm sticking to it pretty well. I have enough. I cannot complain at all. I felt like I took a big hit when I had to replace my computer, and that made me nervous for about two weeks, but then I felt better about it. It's just crazy how God provides. A year ago the church had no idea how they could pay me, and now I have enough each month to pay all my necessities plus to do a few nice things. I'm not worried. Sometimes I should probably care a bit more, but I'm smart, I pay attention, and I don't overspend. I'm a planner. It's what I do.
On the topic of who I am becoming...
The past winter was a difficult time for me. I felt a lot of burden and loss. For a time, I saw myself as some sort of victim. Eventually that evolved into seeing myself as someone chosen to shoulder illness. Not like I was trying to see myself these ways... it was a sort of subconscious thing. I suppose the winter was a sort of extreme growing point for my faith and just general maturity. Somehow, through it all, I ended out sort of realizing my privilege being who I am as a coheir with Christ. My identity is first rooted in being the beloved daughter of God and all other things fall under that... maybe even through that. When I look at my life through the lens of being loved... Just.. wow.
My life feels full of little losses and gains. Big losses, sometimes. But they are lovely. Lovely moments of grace. My chronic illness is beautiful to God. Because I am determined to allow it to bring me blessing and to bring blessings to those around me. In my weakness, in my illness, I'm determined I will bless God. The moments where I cannot walk... sacred. The times when I have to lay down for an hour after showering... holy. It's not a matter of God being blessed in spite of my malaise, He is blessed because of my illness. I can't really wrap my mind around that. But I know it is true. Because He allows it to continue in my life, He sees me praising Him for the good things it brings into my life, and He loves me in all those moments. If I'm His most beloved child and He allows this for me... how is it not a good and perfect thing that fits into His perfect plans?
So each morning, I will continue on... waking after restless sleep and saying...
Dear God, if I lose my hope today... bring me back to you...
Restore the sparkle to my eyes, come to me like rain... bring me back to you...
Bring me back to you.
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