Bloom

Remember what I said about my life being full of little gains and losses? Today felt a lot like a loss even though it was technically a gain, health wise.

I now have an appointment to go to see my primary care provider in July. That was the first that they had an opening. It is a gain.

It feels like a loss because it is not the D.O. that I had selected before, and I know nothing about this guy except for that the receptionist thought he would be best for helping me figure out my undiagnosed chronic illness.

I remind myself that there is no point in being upset over something that clearly wasn't supposed to be mine in the first place. Why regret something that hasn't even happened... a doctor I've never met.. etc. I think it was just a frustrating thing because it was like... one more thing, of course.

I felt really gross today besides that and after I cried for awhile about my having to switch PCPs, I have had a headache as well. I fell asleep from sheer exhaustion, I think, which you know means that I was really feeling awful. It didn't really ease up post nap, but that was kind of the state of the day. I didn't accomplish much of what I wanted to.. plans went very awry on all accounts of pretty much everything I attempted today. I am giving myself the rest of tonight to feel a little down and out about being chronically ill.

BUT.

Once the sun rises, my pity party is over. It is a new day, new mercies, and new hopes. Tomorrow will be better. I'm deciding right now that I will accomplish a TON tomorrow. So that when I get to updating this tomorrow night, I will feel successful, vibrant, and pleased. This is the goal. I think it's attainable. Now I'm off to sleep so that I can get up decently early and hit the yoga, coffee, and kidmin planning groove.

Day of rest

Today feels like it has been really long for some reason. Things didn't go great with Bennet this morning so that was tiring, but I didn't get as tired as I sometimes do. After face timing the fam this afternoon, I made hanging planters for my air plants. That turned out okay, but I think I'm going to have to get one more plant. I'll post pictures once the light is nice enough to take photos. I kind of just putzed around and hung out with Dexter. Now Kels and I hare just chilling and will head to bed soon.

It's just nice to be restful at home.

Cutest dog ever

Well this morning I thought I was going to IKEA, but it turns out that trip is next week so that didn't happen. I don't really remember what I did all day... it must have been really important ;)
But in the afternoon, I gave Dexter a haircut and a bath. He got so fluffy and cute!

After he was all cute, I gave myself a haircut and took a shower. We got some mulch and some groceries from Meijer, and then had supper. Then we went to the church and decorated a bit in the children's area. Somehow the alarm started alarming early so we didn't get it all done, so I have to go early and do that in the morning.

The most exciting thing that happened today was probably getting my insurance card in the mail. As well as my package from Urban Outfitters which had my new headphones and a book called Daily Dishonesty about little lies that everyone tells themselves like "I will put on pants today." I don't know that everyone actually says these lies, but they are really cute little drawings. I think we'll keep it in the bathroom. Anyways, better sleep now so I can go to work early....

Something to remember

I currently sit here drinking my first cup of coffee of the day and eating a cinnamon powdered donut. This is what they call "the life."

As I looked through photos on my phone, I found one of a quote that I liked and really want to remember. So here it is for posterity's sake:

"Be vulnerable. Let yourself be deeply seen, love with your whole heart, practise gratitude and joy. Be able to say, "I am thankful to feel this vulnerable because it means I am alive" and believe, "I am enough." You are worthy of love and belonging."  -- Brene Brown

How to be alone

Blogtrack: Paris by Fickle Friends

Haven't had a "blogtrack" in awhile, but this post was written with this song on replay. So it seems fitting to note that. Today has been restful. I only responded to emails and sent a couple texts in regards to work. But otherwise I have been on a Sabbath from work related things. I was going to do work today, but as I got thinking into it, I was like.. no. You need to take time to pause. These things can wait until tomorrow. I've been nose to the grindstone all week so it's time for a break.

Kelsey took me out to IHOP for brunch this morning so I had a lovely Belgian waffle. Pretty soon after that she had to leave for a soccer game, so I've been left on my own with Dexter for the day. I played a little piano, cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed, did some general straightening, laundry, and rearranged my room. Clean house makes for a happy Britany. I had leftover chicken enchilada for supper with some lemonade. Depending on how long this takes to write, I may make a lemon cake tonight. Mmm. Or wait and make it Sunday and take it to the office on Monday? Maybe that. We shall see.

Anyhow, on instagram, there is a challenge for this month called #selflove4spoonies. Each week has a topic and questions/challenges to focus on yourself in relation to your illness. The first week is about cultivating self-awareness and self-honesty. The challenge is to take time to ask yourself tough questions about where you are not being honest with yourself about health, relationships, career, finances, etc. I guess it's kind of a self-inventory. And I'm going to do that here.

On the topic of my health...
I like to be positive, but oftentimes that makes me unrealistic. I am more ill than I allow myself to acknowledge much of the time. I have some weeks that are awful, and some weeks that aren't. There is not rhyme or reason to this as far as I can see. But I know that I try to let myself continue to think I'm as well as ever even when I'm in the midst of a bad week. It's hard to describe how well or not well I am when it changes week to week and sometimes even moment to moment with no warning. At this point, I would say that I am functioning relatively well about 70% of the time. But I will also tell you that I originally wrote 60% and just upped it. Because I am positive. My normal is not others' normal. I am in constant pain now. I cannot remember the last time I was not in pain. But now that I am used to it, it is duller. It doesn't hurt so much. It is normal. I'm not sad about that anymore. I don't know if I'm on a trajectory toward getting "better." I'm not sure that there is a "better." Or that I will ever achieve it. But I am alright. I don't think I would call my life unmanageable at this point.

On the topic of my relationships...
This is one of the things I hate most about chronic illness. There is so much going on in my head about myself, I barely have time left to invest in other people. I feel like I have let my relationships slide a bit in the past 6 months. Moving away from many of my friends put a physical gap, and I helped the gap along by not actively pursuing much of a relationship with most of the people I left. I'm not sure if it is good or bad, but this doesn't entirely bother me. I think many of those relationships were 'for a time' type of friendships. The ones that are 'for life' will continue. And that is because those people invest in me as well even though I am far away.
My relationship with my family is different now than it was 6 months ago. I feel more adult in the way I interact with Mom and Dad. Although we are miles away, I've honestly never loved them as much as now or felt so close to them. I feel like I can share anything with them which I'm pretty sure most kids don't get to say about their parents. I miss having Courtney living near me so, so much. I know she is where she needs to be for this period of her life, but selfishly, I want my best friend with me. I feel lonely a lot of the time... circumstances make for that at this point. I'm sure that I am learning a lot from being in a quiet house on my own, but it is so different from what I prefer.
It is different to live one on one with your friend than you may think. I am learning a lot about communication and negotiation. There is a lot of balance when there are just two of you in a house. I think there has been a rapid maturing for me in the way I relate to people as well as just my emotional processing. I might be wrong, but I think I am looking at things in a more healthy way than I previously have.

On the topic of my career...
I'm a mixed bag about my job right now. I don't feel like I can say career at this point because I just don't know how far I intend to take this. I oscillate between feeling very excited and discouraged. There is a lot to process in ministry. Everyone has an opinion, and I'm just over here like, "Lord, use me, please!" I pray that this program grows. I don't think it's wrong to say that I want to be successful in this. I do want God's will for it, whatever that is... But He also knows exactly what my heart is about it. This will take time, I know, I'm just trying to be faithful and passionate about it as God works. If there is possibility of me being well enough for a second job, I will do that. If not, I will continue this way. If I get to be married and be a mom, then I will do that. If I get to stay single and pour into children through KidCentral, then I will do that. I will do what I can. This has always been my attitude, and God has always been faithful to me as I brighten my corner of the world this way.

On the topic of my finances...
Closely tied to my job. I made a budget, and I'm sticking to it pretty well. I have enough. I cannot complain at all. I felt like I took a big hit when I had to replace my computer, and that made me nervous for about two weeks, but then I felt better about it. It's just crazy how God provides. A year ago the church had no idea how they could pay me, and now I have enough each month to pay all my necessities plus to do a few nice things. I'm not worried. Sometimes I should probably care a bit more, but I'm smart, I pay attention, and I don't overspend. I'm a planner. It's what I do.

On the topic of who I am becoming...
The past winter was a difficult time for me. I felt a lot of burden and loss. For a time, I saw myself as some sort of victim. Eventually that evolved into seeing myself as someone chosen to shoulder illness. Not like I was trying to see myself these ways... it was a sort of subconscious thing. I suppose the winter was a sort of extreme growing point for my faith and just general maturity. Somehow, through it all, I ended out sort of realizing my privilege being who I am as a coheir with Christ. My identity is first rooted in being the beloved daughter of God and all other things fall under that... maybe even through that. When I look at my life through the lens of being loved... Just.. wow.

My life feels full of little losses and gains. Big losses, sometimes. But they are lovely. Lovely moments of grace. My chronic illness is beautiful to God. Because I am determined to allow it to bring me blessing and to bring blessings to those around me. In my weakness, in my illness, I'm determined I will bless God. The moments where I cannot walk... sacred. The times when I have to lay down for an hour after showering... holy. It's not a matter of God being blessed in spite of my malaise, He is blessed because of my illness. I can't really wrap my mind around that. But I know it is true. Because He allows it to continue in my life, He sees me praising Him for the good things it brings into my life, and He loves me in all those moments. If I'm His most beloved child and He allows this for me... how is it not a good and perfect thing that fits into His perfect plans?

So each morning, I will continue on... waking after restless sleep and saying...

Dear God, if I lose my hope today... bring me back to you...
Restore the sparkle to my eyes, come to me like rain... bring me back to you...
Bring me back to you.

When the stars go blue

This is my first update from my phone. So who knows how this is going to go haha. Basically my day was nothing to speak of until around 5 pm. Pre 5 pm I just worked and felt a little sad and tried to be good at my job and feel good about myself with little success. Post 5 pm, everything heated up.

I made chicken enchiladas out of random things we had around the house. They turned out good with just a little kick. Then Kels and I headed to a park to work on her softball skills. I helped her with her batting and hit a couple myself. It was nice to be doing something so familiar. We headed home to switch around watering stuff for the church garden and then went to Bubble Island and got drinks. I don't know exactly how to describe this except for to compare it to a juice with fruit jello pieces in it? But it is very good. Then we were going to explore Portland, but we got a bit lost on the way and ended up getting food, eating at a park parking lot, and getting pulled over by a cop. Very eventful evening. And now I'm exhausted and so ready to sleep. So here I go...

The one where I don't sleep

Today was all about VBS. Well. First it was about not sleeping. And then it was about VBS. I didn't sleep until maybe 5:30 or 6 this morning. I ate cereal. I watched Chuck. I tossed. I turned. But eventually I did fall asleep.

Once I got up around noon, it was all aches, pains, and grogginess. I muddled through working out a general plan of VBS. But this day has definitely not been as productive as I would have liked. Or as happy. This is one of those days where I work really hard to choose to be joyful.

Well, when I finish this blog post, I'm going to go make cream cheese apple dip. Kelsey is out working with the garden group to finish planting, I guess, and I want to have it made before she gets back. My brain is just zonked out on kidmin stuff. So I'll probably only work on designing a couple more logos before I cal it quits today. Have to try to put in a good 6 hours today, at least. Sorry this was maybe the least exciting blog post, ha.

Sunday school groove

Today was all about that Sunday school. At this point I have completed, 1 set of logos, 1 promo video, and 2 months of general lesson planning. Tomorrow I will spend a day on VBS, and then back to Sunday school I will go.

Last night I completed my first workout with Jillian. Today I am so very sore, so I shall have to take a rest day to let my body adjust a bit to working out so big.

Dexter and I started off our day with a teensy cuddle, and then we got down to business. I made coffee. A new kind... Panera Columbian roast, I think. 

And we settled into the living room with a candle on to work. At some point in the afternoon, I took a break, and Kelsey and I moved my things into our shared office. Nice to have everything out of the home office and organized. After supper, we took Dexter on a walk and got Kelsey some ice cream. It was kind of one of the crazier walks we have taken around town involving a loud motorcycle, ducks, some elderly people on bikes, and a bro that Dex wanted to be friends with. Then, realizing the light was fading, we rushed home so we could film the last little bit of footage I needed for a promo video that resulted in me looking like this:

A nice day, full of nice things and good productivity. My kind of happy.

[Sunset on the Grand River]

Sparking creativity

How to describe today... Well. I went to staff meeting, made some decisions, came up with some ideas, and that was pretty much work. I played some piano, sang some songs, and tried to get my creative juices flowing. I've pretty much decided how the rest of my To Do for the week will go. Each day having specific focuses starting with Sunday School, then VBS, then general church, and finally HISability. We shall see how this plan holds up. It was a nice chilly day that called for candles and blankets on the couch. Since I didn't have the best candle (Mom's), I settled for one called Spark.

I am still in search of air plants. Lowe's did not have them nor did a local nursery. You can buy them online, but it seems silly to me to buy a $3 plant and have to ship it. Again, we shall see.

It's Bachelorette night and once that finishes, I'm starting Jillian's 30 Day Shred. I did it once before my own way to try to work up to the full thing, and I'm going to try it in June. Here's to a healthy June!!

KidMin mojo

This morning went really well with the kiddos. (By the by, I'm having quite a lot of arm pain tonight so this might get cut quite short.) I felt really connected to them. And I'm glad for that. I feel a renewed passion. My ideas are flowing quick, and I'm pumped for going to the office tomorrow. It's been stirring in me for awhile now, but I've been thinking of looking at going back to school (yikes!) for either a theology or Christian formation masters. Started looking at options today, and there is a lot going on there. It wouldn't be this year that I did that, but at least I'm starting to look. It doesn't really make sense, but I'm not sure why my heart is suddenly not so set against never going begrudgingly back... I sort of have a sense of what I really want to do. At this point anyway. We shall see.

Tried out my new brand of organic rooibos tea this evening which was very nice. A little more vanilla tasting than the last kind, but it will do since I haven't seen that brand anywhere. We also burned a wood wick candle tonight (yum), and it had such a lovely crackle sound as it burned. I'm a fan.

I'm hoping to find air plants somewhere soon. I found a nice tutorial for making plant holders, and I want to do that for in my bedroom and on the big, bare wall above the couch in the living room. I just think that a little greenery in a room goes a long way to brighten and liven the space.

In other news, my To Do list grows and grows for the summer. But I'm loving that right now. Because I feel inspired, productive, and useful. It's a nice thing.

Old friends in new places

We had a wonderful day today. Last night E Cleves came over, and we had a lovely time laughing, dancing, and visiting. Then today we packed up and headed to Elkhart, IN to visit our friends Kyle and Chelsea.

It was so great to be with friends. Good laughter as well as deep moments of relevant conversation. I so appreciate my friends. I woke up not feeling very well so it took us a bit longer to get on the road, and it pretty much continued throughout the day. Lots of migraine, but lots of good times. I don't think the good times were hampered by the pain. Which is nice because that really doesn't happen often.

Anyways, commence photos!!

Our first stop of the day was at Blue Hat Coffee in Coldwater, MI. It was in this gorgeous old house from the 1800s, and the coffee was some of the best of our lives. E had a dark roast Ethiopian coffee, and I had a Diamond something or other medium roast. Both lovely. It was just such a nice place and such good coffee. Definitely a place to which we must return!

Chelsea made us a nice lunch of chicken salad on croissants, and then we just visited for awhile. I'm not sure quite what time it was, but we decided to head to Middlebury, IN and explore the heart of Amish Country....

We simply had to stop at Rise and Roll Bakery and get cinnamon caramel powdered donuts. Delish. Then we went on an adventure down the Main Street and found the Krider 'World's Fair' Gardens. They were designed and displayed at the 1933-34 Chicago World's Fair. Then they were transported back to Middlebury. But such a cute little place...

Post gardens we took a ride through the countryside to a mall that they really liked, and then ended up at a restaurant called Granite City. I had a chicken caesar wrap and a coke. Very nice and good atmosphere. We then headed back to their apartment, talked music, and played a couple of games. Then it was a 2 hour drive home in the rain, a Skype with Disch, and that brings us to now. It's bedtime. Sunday school is going to happen far too soon!!!