Your praise will ever be on my lips

Blogtrack: You Don't Miss A Thing by Amanda Cook // Ever Be by Kalley Heiligenthal

The past two days have been difficult. I made it through church yesterday really well. We only had two kiddos for Sunday school, and five kiddos for children's church. (One was a kid who had come to Water Night!!) This is probably what our July is going to look like. I have the big decision tomorrow of changing our curriculum or keeping with what we are doing. I asked for our teachers to weigh in, but they have kind of just been hemming and hawing about it. So because they aren't saying one way or another that kind of makes me want to lock it in for another 3 months... We would be in this curriculum through November then... I'm going to ask Pastor Steve what he thinks. I'm comfortable with that, but that would mean 6 more months of this, and if the teachers truly don't like it and are just not saying that, I don't want to stick them with 6 months of disliked curriculum...

Anyhow, I have had such a migraine since yesterday afternoon. I thought it was letting up this morning, but I just felt better for a little bit, and it came back full force. It was the kind that has me dizzy, nauseous, and convinced that I'm going to hurl every few seconds. It was just a really long day. I am feeling better now. And I have taken the opportunity to enjoy a few chronic illness themed someecards...

It wasn't the worst day that could have been churned out. It just wasn't the day that I was hoping it would be. But here is hoping that tomorrow is the day I would like to have happen. :)

We carry little people

It's late, and I'm hoping for more sleep than I have been getting. Tomorrow we are teaching the story of the Good Samaritan. I am happily turning over more of the Sunday school hour to the small group leaders so they can teach the story more relative to the experience level of their kiddos. Today can mostly be summed up by saying that I spent a lot of time trying to keep my body warm and moving so that I don't tense up too much. Very sore from the Water Night, but so pleased with the response we had from it. Also pleased to have a break from events until VBS. Plenty to do, still, but at least one less thing.
I decided to participate in an Instagram tag challenge called #wecarrylittlepeople by a blog called The Lovely Collective (run by a very sweet, Christian lady named Natalie). The challenge is to post a favorite picture from childhood and create a "toast" to that little person who is still in you, celebrating and honoring their unique voice, grieving what they may have lost, and creating a safe space to tell their stories... ultimately with the goal of letting go of fears and being healed by love/sharing stories of love healing. I don't have many photos here, and I don't have any of the ones I would consider my favorite of myself from childhood, but I found one that I happened to have that I do really like. So I posted it, a "toast" to little Britany, and Natalie featured me on her Insta page! Here's what I posted in case you didn't see:

Little darling, so many things will try to rob you of joy. Even now, it stings a little to remember how quickly you will know what sadness means. But I am so proud of you that you soldier on loving people fully… jumping in and loving with your whole heart. Try to remember to be as kind to yourself as you are to others. Don’t let your life be defined by losses. And don’t let your identity be rooted in pain. It’s important to tell yourself the truth gently and constantly. Be confident in things that are constant, and don’t worry over the things that are temporary. Treat yourself with respect, little one. You are precious and worthy of being cared for. You are a beautiful sunshine. Just keep spreading that sunshine around. Your joy is contagious.

 Now I'm drinking my cup of rooibos tea and editing some photos before tucking up in bed. Here's a sneak peek...

Summer is for fun

What a day. Today the supreme court ruled that states cannot deny same-sex couples the right to marry. It has been a whirlwind of Facebook statuses, twitter updates, instagram posts, and news broadcasts. My response to the ruling was I suppose rather veiled. I posted parts that stuck out to me from the blog post issued by the bishops of Free Methodist Church USA. You can read their post here because I did appreciate hearing the official stance of the denomination: FMCUSA post
There was a lot tucked into the post that I thought was really applicable to any person at any time.. not just this specific issue. Any who.

I didn't make it up at 8, but I did make it up in relatively good time considering that my sleep schedule is so whack. It's not a schedule at all... I just stay awake and awake. But. I think I got some good sleep, stretched when I woke, and got to work making sure all the details were set for Water Night. Kels was supposed to be back at 11:30ish, and we were going to get waffles, but that didn't happen. So for lunch I had a hot dog and some power greens (kale, spinach, mizuna, chard) with blue cheese dressing.

Kels and I ran to Biggby for our BOGO coffee, and then set up for the event. It was a little bit chilly, and I was worried because it was a tinge windy, but it settled down as the event started. Right at start time there was no one there. I said a little prayer... "God. We have this all set up. Send me a couple kiddos." AND I GOT SEVEN. I knew one of them. Six new friends for KidCentral!! They had a blast playing water balloon toss, water relay, water dodge ball, wet obstacle course, eating popsicles, and doing slip and slide human bowling. They learned a few facts about water quality and hunger and came up with ideas about how they can help kids who are hungry and thirsty. They were pretty stunned to learn that every 20 seconds a child dies because they don't have good water to drink.... Statistically about 5,000 children die each day from poor water, and 250 die from hunger or poverty. The kids were right on it. They were shocked that the return change from recycling a soda pop can feeds someone a meal. I hope it made an impact. I know they had fun. And they got me soaked! Happy child voices screamed "Get Miss Britany!!" And they did. And Kelsey.

My "fibromyalgia" body is feeling it. I did a lot of running, throwing, playing, laughing, moving, etc. I can literally feel how much fun we all had together. I'm happy now to try to put my insomniac self to bed, and hopefully surface well tomorrow!!

People make me happy

Morning 2/7 was also not a success. Which means the next five have to work otherwise I will have failed the challenge I set. So I try again.

This morning I woke up with the worst sort of migraine. I can't remember when I have had such a bad one recently. It was the kind where any equilibrium change is awful. I had to keep myself standing or sitting straight up to feel the best possible. It ebbed and flowed all day long. 2 rounds of medicine and a peppermint treatment later, and it was still raging full force. I pause now to remember literally yesterday I was thinking how it had been quite awhile since I had had such a bad one that I didn't feel like such a professional chronic migraineur anymore.. No longer true. I am still the migraineur I have been for years. Kels was awesome about helping me, feeding me, reminding me of treatment options, etc. I felt especially bad because tonight she was supposed to have friends from her Bible study over for a fire and smores, and I was suddenly unable to help with any of the preparations for that. I totally didn't even want to participate or be nice to people or anything. But Kels asked me to carry something outside, and then I was like.. well, Brit, just try to sit out there with them for a bit. And I did, my migraine completely lifted, and I was just peachy happy. You know the happy happy that I get from my migraine meds? Yeah. I was like Kels.. if I'm being embarrassing let me know. But I guess I wasn't. I had a great time. It was nice to feel like I have a friend group even though I know they are Kelsey's friends. I like groups of people. I had forgotten.

I lost myself in a canyon

Day one out of seven was not a success for the morning routine. I will try again tomorrow.
I did not sleep well at all. Maybe got 4-5 hours? from 4:30 on... Not my favorite kind of night. Hopefully tonight will be better. I was awakened by Kels and our friend from college, RaeLee. She stopped by and surprised us. So I tried to pull my achy self together. I hope I did an okay job. They were kind and brought lunch to me. I tried to get stuff done today. But it was hard.

I did go with Kels, and we got everything that I needed for Water Night. I think I have almost everything set at this point besides making a few notecards for the teaching part, setting up, and blowing up the bowling set. It's getting so close!! Nervous. We also got nails to hang up the decor that has been just sitting around our house. So here is one photo of that. More to come, I'm sure.

I don't have as thick of a skin as I like to portray to others. I'm feeling not like myself... a little down. Makes sense to me as the insomnia is back in the picture. This is how I used to feel more.

I uploaded a new video to my channel today. You can watch by clicking here: take a walk with me.

Little things

Blogtrack: It is Well (Live) - Bethel Music

I've been very introspective recently. I haven't put out a lot of creativity or anything. Mainly the thing rolling around in my head is a bunch of questions. Summarized as... what little things can you do that will change your life in a big way?
I am a disordered eater. I am scattered in exercise. My routines are a shambles. At this point, I'm not sure where to start to get any of it back. And how do I get back to being in routine without feeling boring..boxed in... etc. The reason to do the routines is to feel better and more joyful. So. Where do I start to be able to do this. It's far too overwhelming to try to do everything at once. So I think we're going to tackles things piece by piece. The first thing I would like to try to change is my morning routine. So. This is the goal.

Out of the next 7 days, I am aiming for at least 5 successful mornings. This will be the routine I try for:
 -Wake up at 8 a.m.
-Fibro-friendly yoga
-Breakfast

I'm hoping that this is small enough of a change that I can start being consistent in one facet of my day. And perhaps that will lead to another. And so on and so forth.

I feel unproductive often. I feel like a useless person. Many times I feel overwhelmed at simple tasks. Asking for help is a double edged sword... it's so hard to ask for help, and I want to save my "helped tasks" for things that really matter and are big things. I hate seeing my house dirty. Taking two days to do a load of laundry. Not being showered all the time. I hate feeling out of sorts.

I just want to feel like my life is manageable. That I have any sort of handle on any bit of it. I need an outlet. So. We will try for a morning routine. I love the morning. I love being up, having my morning coffee, and feeling like I have a good start to the day. Let's see if I can do this.

Keep your head up

Today is one of those days where I have to work a little harder at being grateful to have the experience of chronic illness. It was a headache day, a stomach pain day, a crampy muscle day, etc. It felt discouraging because it was one of those times where I was just like.. how is this my life? This is what it comes to..

But it was alright. Because I was still able to work on VBS stuff, I'm not in trouble for missing work somewhere since I have a job that is ideal for me, I was able to eat and Kelsey provided a lovely supper for me, my doggie likes to cuddle me when I am sad, etc. etc. etc.

The blessings far outweigh the problems. My character is being refined each day. My faith is put through fire and is being proven true. Eternal rewards! These things are so much better than the temporary pains I am experiencing now. I just have to keep this "kingdom" perspective day to day.

Yes, I am praying that tomorrow is better than today.
But more than that, I am praying my attitude is better tomorrow.

If you have time, I suggest you read this blogpost from Life In Slow Motion: https://lifeinslowmotionblog.wordpress.com/2015/02/16/escaping-the-guilt-and-shame-of-chronic-pain/
I read it today, and parts of it made me evaluate if there are subconscious parts of me that feel unworthy, guilty, and shameful. I think there probably are. I don't want to be a fake kind of positive, and I don't want to be a negative kind of realistic... It's such a balance. I feel like that all the time. Chronic illness is finding a balance of so many things. It's mental management of details, keeping yourself in check, and trying not to lie to yourself. It is hard not to feel like I am a bother to people or that my illness annoys people. Everyone in my life also walks a fine line of balance in how they act towards me, how they feel about it, etc. Chronic illness is just hard, isn't it?

Chilled out Sundays

This day was not as horrible as it could have been. It was not as fun as I'd hoped. The morning went alright. Lesson was fine, kids did well. Didn't feel good during service so I left part ways through and went home and took some medicine. Being in a darker room helped, too. I was alone for a few hours, as I often am. I've realized that I'm not very good at being alone. It is just not me. I so prefer being with other people, even if we aren't really doing anything. Being by myself has taken some getting used to, and I'm still not totally comfortable with it.

So anyhow, Dexter and I hung around and watched some blogs on YouTube. I meant to edit a new video but I was just so exhausted. When Kels came home we finished season two of Vampire Diaries, got supper, and started a movie. Someday we'll get to all of the other items that were on out staycation wish list.

I miss my family right now. I think being away for the holiday or something jogged a homesick feel.

Thirty-six joyful hours

I am still awake. And I am so annoyed about this. I have been awake for over 36 hours at this point. I had maybe a half hour of dosing throughout that span of time. Not what I was planning on or hoping for. But I am sure that there is good in this somewhere. Because I am determined to respond to this well, to work on my character throughout, and to let God be God.... So awake I am until He has me fall asleep. Meanwhile, I just pray that is soon enough so I function in a holy and pleasing manner tomorrow. And make sense when I teach the kiddos.

Hit some photos from my all nighter last evening...

^5.44 am // beautiful skies awakening

Breathe

My sleep schedule is legit whackadoodle these days. I'm trying to just get all the thoughts out of my head so I thought a blog could be in order since I forgot to earlier before I got in bed.

This day was alright. I can't say much more about it. Improvements are slight in the physical condition, but I'm celebrating any victory no matter how small. Tomorrow I'm hoping to be up to functioning from the office instead of functioning from my couch. We shall see. I have to go to lunch with both pastors and Kels for membership lessons. So that is going to be interesting. And probably difficult. I'm pretty rubbish before 1 pm this week. But I'm going to try.

So. Here's some more encouragement for myself:

dat hustle doe

Today was better than yesterday. And hopefully life will continue on this upward trend.

I planned Water Night and figured out our schedule or events. So that felt productive. And I did it all without even one cup of coffee and no pain meds.

Kels and I have decided that we are not going to go to Toronto/Niagara Falls on Thursday, but instead we are having a Wolfpack Staycation. (Wolfpack is what we call the three of us: Kels, B, and Dex.) We're going to be tourists in our own town, have some chill time to marathon some Vampire Diaries. I'm hoping to take some photos, drink some good coffee, and relax.

Tonight Kels had volleyball, and now  she is back, and we are watching the Bachelorette from last night. It's high drama as always. I'm thinking that ice cream is going to be in order soon.

Yes. Ice cream is definitely in order.

Inspiration of the day:
Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

Even when it hurts

The day didn't happen like I planned. As it often does. I guess my body just needed to let down from all the hustle of the past couple days. It had me stuck in bed exhausted and aching. My brain fog was way up so actually getting any planning done was pretty much out. So I will have to work twice as hard tomorrow...

For now, I'm just watching my video about choosing to be joyful over and listening to music that echoes the things I know are true. Such as:

Two for one

Two day blog in one, whoop whoop.

Saturday
I can't really remember much of Saturday morning. I think I made sure of some things planning wise?  and opened a closet for Dan at the church. Since we are recovering from the flood, we are trying to open everything and dry it all out. The closet wasn't touched, thank goodness, and I was so happy that the vast majority of art supplies were safe.
In the afternoon, we prepped things for Olivia's bachelorette party. Washed my hair with a new shampoo that I'm trying out that is CHI Keratin or something like that. I think it was really nice. I used it with a hair mask, heat protectant, and detangler and my hair dried really well under round brush/hair dryer. By five, we were headed for Grand Rapids. The party was nice. We had some fancy snacks, played a couple games, did presents, and then walked downtown to a bar that I think was called Stella's. There was a dj and dancing. A lot of loud and sweaty people... not really my cup of tea. We got back pretty late, but I fell to sleep quickly for once.

Sunday
I felt like I was rushing around this morning, but I really wasn't. It was odd having KidCentral not in the physical KidCentral... We met in the library, and it was very different. I enjoyed connecting with the kids in a different way, but I'm hoping we don't have to do it that way many more times. This has really put on hold a lot of the things I was going to be doing on my To Do list in the area. But anyhow, we had a good, albeit tiring, morning with a combination of eight different kids in the two hours.
Once I got home, I woke Kelsey up gently by putting on some coffee, and I did the dishes while she woke up. Then I made us some brunch and kind of fancied up our table just because. I like having a nice table brunch every once in awhile. :)

Kels was gone the rest of the afternoon, and now she's playing volleyball. I'm sort of lazing about with Dexter trying to lay low, but not so low that I fall asleep. Figuring out what food I might want over my birthday.
I also put live a video that I made about choosing joy amidst suffering. I made it a couple of days ago, but I've been a little timid about putting it up. Today I just thought, you know.. you made it for a reason. So here it is...

Waffle time!

Well, I slept until like 1:30. Which never happens for me. I'm seriously always up pretty crazy early for how little I sleep. But for some reason I slept really late, had a really realistic dream about family Christmas, and woke up really groggy. Kels and I then headed out for waffles as per our new tradition.

The rest of the day was seriously dedicated to getting bachelorette stuff for Olivia's party tomorrow. We shopped, Kels went to soccer, we shopped more, and assembled gift bags. Even though the day started late, it was quite long. And that's it. :)

There'll be days like this

Not a lot of sleep last night. I was working on something until maybe 1 and not feeling tired at all, but even after I finished and went upstairs sleep didn't happen for hours. And it was very interrupted when it did. My body just doesn't rest well, I guess. Probably needless to say, lack of sleep made for a particularly painful day. After Kels was home and we ran out for cheese and chips, I had a bit of a nasty stomach/gross feels attack. I ended up falling asleep on the couch while she cooked supper. When I woke up, my stomach felt better, but my arms and legs were so, so sore. I guess from the couch nap? I persevered, though, and even did alright in a dance off game. When we ended my feet and ankles were severely cramping. So I think we stopped just in time. I'm exhausted. Just being alive and being me can be so exhausting.

Sometimes I find random photos in my phone of things I wanted to remember at some point. Here's what I found today...

Classic red lip

Sometimes, you just have to do your makeup fun and have a little photoshoot by yourself. That's pretty much all I have to say about this day.

Landline

Today was a third as bad as yesterday. Making it two thirds better.
I honestly don't have much to say about it other than I accomplished some of what I wanted. Work, a load of laundry, played tennis...
For some reason, I can't quite shake the feeling that my week isn't starting out so well. Like. It's fine, but it's not a good one. I'm praying that feeling goes away, and my general vibe improves.

Anyhow, hit the pictures.

Air plant holders in my bedroom

Looks like Clarence is trying to run away from home...

Art, art, art